The Introvert’s Guide To Finding Romance

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The life of a young introvert probably looks something like this: being called ‘too quiet’ more often than anything else, having teachers take it upon themselves to get you to come out of your shell, finding it a challenge to organize your thoughts enough to pipe in during a group discussion, or needing regular bathroom breaks at school and parties for the sake of having a moment of peace and solitude.

And if that wasn’t enough to handle, you one day find yourself grown up and faced with the frightening task of finding romance: of opening yourself up to possibilities and embarking on the journey of intertwining your life with someone else’s and falling in love.

Romance is, of course, something the majority of us crave as we mature. But for the introvert, it can often hold less enthusiasm and more anxiety. Suddenly, we feel ourselves yearning to disappear back into our comfort zone, where nothing and no one can hurt us.

But this desire for romance doesn’t vanish, no matter how introverted one is. So how can an introvert go about finding romance in a world that often feels stacked against us?

Be honest about who you are.

In other words, don’t pretend to be an extrovert for the sake of getting the guy. Dating often feels like we’re playing a part to begin with — we’re the protagonist in a love story, waiting for our love interest to arrive. And in order to keep him interested, it’s temping to put on a mask and present ourselves as the person we wish we were.

For introverts, this typically looks like the effortlessly charming, lovable, friendly person we’ve always been jealous of. But putting extroversion on like it’s a costume can only backfire, creating a dynamic of dishonesty on our part, and confusion on his. Being honest about who we are, introversion and all, will help us find the guy that appreciates our true selves.

Don’t glorify discomfort.

One of the first things an introvert might hear when entering into the dating world is, “Step out of your comfort zone! Get out there! Talk to people! Do something you wouldn’t normally do!” This advice generally comes out of a well-meaning place of wanting to help a shy or anxious introvert challenge themselves, and there are undoubtedly times when we do need to stretch ourselves past what’s comfortable — but just because something is uncomfortable, that doesn’t mean we need to do it.

If we aren’t comfortable using dating apps, we don’t have to; if we aren’t comfortable kissing on the first date, we shouldn’t; if we aren’t comfortable with where he sees the relationship going, we don’t need to stay. Feeling discomfort can’t be our indication that we should be doing something — this feeling is sometimes there for a good reason. Carefully weigh which discomforts are necessary, healthy, or simply won’t hurt us in the long run.

But still, be willing to be uncomfortable.

Finding love isn’t really within anyone’s comfort zone, even the most easy-going and gregarious of us. And for introverts especially, we’ll always feel a general discomfort when allowing someone to get closer to us, butterflies when we interact with someone in a way that’s foreign to us, and the need to second-guess ourselves. But that being said, discomfort isn’t always a bad thing.

When we’re faced with the task of dating, it’s worth our time to consider the ways we might be holding ourselves back by staying in our bubble of comfort and security — maybe, despite our discomfort, we ought to ask him out, or text him first, or wear that dress that we’ve been working up the courage to wear for a year now. Being uncomfortable can point us in a direction of growth.

Don’t overdo it.

With the likes of dating apps and seemingly endless dating options right at our finger tips, it can feel like if we aren’t going on a date every weekend, we aren’t doing it right — after all, we’re only young once, and (generally speaking) single for less years than we are taken. There’s this unspoken pressure in the modern world of dating to get out there and experience all the world has to offer.

But aside from any other issue this model of dating could present, it’s downright exhausting for introverts — we only have so much energy to pour into our relationships, and using this energy every weekend on someone we’ll never see again (not to mention the hours throughout the week consisting of overthinking replies to texts) is a surefire way to get burnt out and disenchanted with romance, leading to a period of disillusioned hibernation. Don’t overdo dating — limit your options and be thoughtful about whom you’re spending your energy on.

See your introversion as your strength.

It’s hardly groundbreaking to say that introversion is commonly seen as a disadvantage, especially in school, the workplace, and dating (so… everywhere). Growing up, we hear adults speak of our reticence like it’s a phase, of our inner-world like it’s something to leave behind, or of our difficulty with speaking up like it’s a flaw. This leads to a an apologetic posture in regards to our introversion: “Sorry, I promise I’m interesting, it just takes me a bit to get comfortable.”

Sure, being introverted in the world of romance has its drawbacks, but it also has its strengths: our tendency to listen more than we speak has the ability to make our date feel not just that we’re great listeners, but that they’re interesting to us; our observational skills can help us quickly determine if they’re a good match for us; our being reserved can come across as intriguing and enigmatic, making our date search for ways to get to know us better. Introversion doesn’t have to separate us from others — seeing it as our strength can help attract people who actually appreciate it.

In short…

Dating as an introvert holds its own unique set of challenges and puzzles. But finding our person isn’t impossible, and romance isn’t just an extrovert’s game to play, but for introverts as well — we just might need a guide to devise a plan first.