How To Love An Introvert Well

Photo by Yaroslav Shuraev from Pexels

He was at every youth service. He went for after-service pizza. He went bowling with the group. He went for coffee and games. This tall man with dreamy eyes, a thoughtful disposition, and a sweet smile. The look of consideration on his face was a mysterious draw for me. What could he be thinking? What will he say next?

My husband’s introversion was what initially drew me to him. Starting off as friends, I would ask him bold and silly questions, he would smile, and review his answers delicately before answering out loud. Our back and forth conversations and fun group activities set the stage for our love for one another to grow. Now together for nine years, and married for six and counting, I love his introversion even more and have learned the art of loving this trait of his well.

Introversion is a trait of a person, but it’s not solely who they are. Just as each person is unique, I’ve found that every introvert’s introversion is unique. I, too, am an introvert, but with extroverted tendencies. While I need alone time to recharge and quiet time to decompress, I’m not necessarily quiet in social settings.

In The Introverted Leader by Jennifer B. Kahnwiler, PhD, Kahnweiler writes: “Psychologist Carl Jung first defined introversion as energy being generated from within yourself. Think of your energy as if it were a battery. Extroverts charge their batteries by being with people. Introverts draw their battery power by going within.”

Whether you’re an introvert in a relationship, or your partner’s introversion is a constant enigma, it’s essential to learn and respect the boundaries of the individual when it comes to preparing or decompressing for social gatherings.

Drawing from my own personal experiences, my conversations with other introverts, and learning the ins and outs of my husband’s brand of introversion, I’ve created a list of dos and don’ts on the art of loving an introvert well.

Do | Be patient.

When it comes to loving anyone at all, you must be patient with them – but when it comes to loving an introvert, there are specific things to be patient with: their pace in warming up to others, trying new things, or communicating their feelings and thoughts.

Don’t | Take things personally.

A resounding answer from introverts I’ve spoken with advised extroverts and ambiverts not to take it personally when an introvert needs space or time alone. One said, “I think it takes patience to love someone who is an introvert, and to understand when they need space is not because they don’t love you or want to be with you. Sometimes they are trying to find the balance of loving others well and understanding what they need themselves.”

Do | Recognize & make space for their habits.

Pay attention to their particular signs of anxiety or social tiredness. Even if you feel just fine in a social setting, your introvert might have reached their capacity. An introvert I spoke with (who shall remain anonymous) said her husband learned her signals for when she needs to recharge: “He’s learned the habits and words that I say that show him I need time alone to recharge and take care of myself so I can love you all better. And he helps me carve out that time to do it.”

Don’t | Try to change them.

We all long to be loved unconditionally and for who we are. When you find ‘your person’, you trust that you can be your true self with them. With that in mind, an introvert should trust that you’re not trying to change who they inherently are or how they act.

For instance, Kahnweiler writes, “Introverts often tend to show less emotion in their facial expressions than extroverts. Introverts are often asked, ‘What’s wrong?’ even when nothing is the matter. They’re probably just thinking.”

Do | Let them recharge, alone.

There’s nothing wrong with some downtime, and for introverts, it’s vital to recharge alone. “It isn’t that introverts don’t like or can’t be with people. In fact, they enjoy people,” Kahnweiler writes. “But it’s a matter of degree. Their reserves of ‘outward’ energy tend to get depleted more quickly in high-volume interactions.

My husband makes it clear to me that his expectations of the day include time to ‘prepare himself’ for social gatherings, and so I give him his space to fuel up his social energy tank. I also learned to expect him to have some time alone once we would get home from an outing, or when he comes home from a long workday. I used to greet him with stories of my day and questions of his, until he told me to give him time to settle in. We now have our routine down.

Don’t | Feel the need to fill in the silence.

Be comfortable in silence. Enjoy silent moments together. You don’t have to talk every moment or fill in still and peaceful moments with movement.

In her book, Introvert Power, Laurie Helgoe, PhD, writes, “We crave safe, comfortable, intimate, small-talk free connections. But we also want ample time to ourselves, space of our own, and quiet.”

Do | Gently nudge them out of their comfort zone.

Iron sharpens iron in relationships, so gently encouraging your loved one to get out of their comfort zone is supportive. In doing so, listen to when they have expressed their capacity.

“With social activities, limit new variables,” personal stylist Gisselle Jimenez said. “Go someplace familiar when meeting new people, or experience new things with trusted friends.”

Don’t | Assume they don’t want to be invited.

While it takes time for introverts to feel at ease in larger social settings, trust that the consistency of you showing up for them or inviting them to group events will have them accepting the invitation eventually. “Even if we say no often, we still want to feel included. We’ll say yes eventually!” Jimenez said.

In short…

Quality matters to an introvert. Helgoe put it best this way: “Many of us want and have great relationships, but we generally prefer ‘no relationship’ to a bad one. Quality matters. We conserve our relationship resources, because we know they are limited.”