The Importance of Cultivating Friendships with All Ages

Photo by cottonbro studio

I’ve lived with my in-laws for the past eight years and it’s enlightened me to a significant setback the West faces: the devaluation of age-diverse relationships.

I had been habitually guilty of only having close relationships with my own age-group until my husband and I were desperate to flee a moldy apartment. Within a week, we went from independent, twenty-year old newlyweds to living a multi-generational home life. As I write this, we have under one roof: child, teen, adult, and senior age groups accounted for.

The relationship between my in-laws had always been cordial and friendly, but the unexpected long-term roommate situation revealed how out of touch we all were with people not in our age group. It wasn’t just the typical differences in food, hobbies, and how chores are done — we didn’t live at the same pace (and still don’t). At the cusp of retirement, they were content in living the rest of their days slowly, with a tidied home, re-runs of Andy Griffith, and the same breakfast each morning. Before we invaded with kitchen-takeovers and the screams of a toddler, it had been at least twenty years since they had a bustling, noisy home.

It was foolish to think that colliding these opposing paces would be smooth sailing. It was too easy for all our personal perceptions and experiences of the world to become an area of discontent between us all. My in-laws had little to no opportunities to connect with and understand the youngest generations, and it was the same for us in regards to them. We had all grown up with and were used to the division of age, and to a certain degree, all fell for reducing others to stereotypes. We’ve isolated ourselves to a general one-way of viewing the world, and most of us lack the social skills to cultivate true friendships with people outside of our age group.

It’s no surprise really, We live in a nation that has pushed an age-segregated society, and we contribute to it. What was once one-room schoolhouses is now divided by age, people purchase homes based off of neighbor statistics (such as how many children live nearby), seniors are nudged toward retirement communities, churches have ministries for every age group, and we have a name and attached stereotypes for each generational demographic. Each generation frequently misunderstood as the divide continues with insults — spoiled, lazy, entitled, passive, out-of-touch.

Separation makes sense physically and intellectually, but we’ve taken something beneficial and have overstretched its limits. In this cultural age-division, we have lost sight of the importance of familial bonding, community, friendship, appreciation, wisdom, mentorship, purpose, connection, and empathy to name a few.

What did we trade it for? Disconnect, misunderstandings, and loneliness — the latter becoming an epidemic.

Upon some personal introspection and soliciting feedback from others, there’s one key similarity in the young and old for what hinders them from stepping out to make a friend outside of their age group.

The belief that the other generation wouldn’t want to be friends. That we aren’t wanted. That our insight and knowledge wouldn’t be valued or understood.

Over the past year, my eighteen-year-old sister had petitioned in prayer for friendship with Christian woman. She whined at my suggestion to broaden her horizons when she made it clear her intention was for the pursuit of peer-age friendships. Her reasoning was the belief that older women wouldn’t want to be friends with her.

I attempted speaking to my sister from my experience in lacking friendship. At the height of my loneliness, where I had begged and pleaded with the Lord for friendships with fellow young mothers who could understand where I was in my life, my prayer was answered. A woman intentionally started attempting to befriend me.

Only, I kept brushing her off. She was almost as old as my mother, with adult children while I had a four-year old. Why would she want to be friends with me? Why is she asking me for advice? I’m embarrassed to admit how deep this age-division was ingrained into my mind and it took time before I reversed my mistake.

How much sweeter it has been to have a friend who, in experience and wisdom, can whisper encouraging words in my ear from a place of already having gone through it. Having a friend who is also in the thick of it would have been nice, but she would have been just as busy as I. My older friend, being in a different season of life, was able to provide to me exactly what I had needed.

Perhaps this is partly why ‘tradwife’ is trendy, everyone craves the closeness and community that we have lost over the years. I know age-division isn’t the only reason, technology being another contributing factor, as well as how we are raised. Many of us didn’t grow up with strong relationships with our grandparents, or with siblings. I don’t have my upbringing to blame for why I tried dismissing the idea of friendship with a woman on account of age.

Partially raised by my Nana, I’d sit for hours on my Nana’s knee, listening to her stories, watching her intently she cooked or including me in her daily crossword. She’s always been my closest friend and confidante, though, more-so when I was younger.

Friendship has no age-limit when we are children, it’s a habit enforced on us and a difficult mindset to escape in adulthood. Adults don’t make friends the way children do, so as we all grew up, we conformed. I know there are additional considerations here, but somewhere down the line, I finally took to heart, “You need friends your own age” and suffocated the variety of friends. I still regret it. Restricting friendships in this way elicits immense loss.

It’s time to bring back wise mentorship, community bonding, appreciation and purpose, and different perspectives. Join me in making a resolution to step out of your comfort zone and enrich your life with friendships outside of your age group.