Navigating Family Drama: 5 Things To Remember This Holiday Season

Photo by Nicole Michalou

The holidays are officially underway. With Thanksgiving just barely in the rearview mirror, and Christmas and other holiday-themed festivities ahead, many of us are finalizing plans with our loved ones and looking at many a family-and-friends gathering in the near future.

Understandably, this might bring up some anxiety. After all, getting the whole family together (and often staying under the same roof for the first time in years) isn’t always the smoothest ride. Even those of us whose families are generally close and healthy have to keep in mind the various sensitive subjects, lore-laden histories, and off-limits talking points for every family member (including ourselves).

This means that a holiday family dinner isn’t just a holiday family dinner; it’s a beautiful yet delicate gathering that requires thoughtful navigation. If this is hitting close to home, look no further.

Below, find 5 things that are crucial to remember as you weave your way through these next few weeks, in closer proximity than usual with your family.

01 | Forgiveness isn’t a one-time thing.

Forgiving someone is no one’s favorite pastime, nor is it something the vast majority of us are naturally gifted at. It requires that you make a choice to accept someone’s apology and allow reconnection with them.

But that choice isn’t made just once — it’s made over and over again, because simply choosing to forgive someone doesn’t mean the pain will vanish immediately. Instead, it might stick around far longer.

Being in relationship with imperfect people, as your family is, means that forgiveness will be something that you’ll have to extend more than once, sometimes even for the same offense.

02 | Context matters (especially to the person whose context it is).

Every person at your family’s dinner table is approaching every situation and subject from a unique perspective. There are family dynamics (and for your parents or grandparents, dynamics that started long before they were ever parents) at play within every interaction and reaction.

This makes it vital that when a family member does or says something that’s hurtful of confusing to you, you take a step back and place their behavior within the context of their life experience.

While this doesn’t excuse toxicity, unkindness, or thoughtlessness, when you’re able to understand where it stemmed from (even if it’s from a place of hurt or trauma that should have been addressed long ago) it makes it possible for you to temper your reaction.

03 | You don’t choose your family, so manage your expectations.

You choose your closest friends (at least, that’s how it normally goes). You choose to surround yourself with people who share your passions, values, sense of humor, and stage in life. For this reason, your friends will feel like an accurate reflection of who you are, and it’s fair to expect to be seen and understood by them.

But your family… you don’t choose them. You’re born into a family, and for some, this is a more difficult reality than for others. It’s ideal that a family would generally share values, and perhaps interests, but that isn’t always the case.

And yet, it’s too common to expect our family to provide us with the kind of understanding, connection, and comfort that close friends will. But for those whose families aren’t tight knit, this is a recipe for disaster.

Don’t expect your parents, siblings, aunts and uncles, cousins, or grandparents to offer you exactly what you need from them — your relationship exists because each of you was born into the same family, not because you found that you had so much in common. Manage the expectations that you place upon your relatives to give you something that they may not be able to.

04 | Boundaries are vital.

There are so many things you won’t have control over at your family gatherings. For example, what topic someone else chooses to bring up, and whether or not the rest of the family chooses to engage. Or whether your parents were not so subtly arguing before dinner. Or whether your sister’s huge promotion will overshadow your smaller news of passing your class.

But there are small ways that you can still be in control of yourself — by setting boundaries where needed. Boundaries act as guidelines that we set for ourselves that regulate what we personally are comfortable with — when it comes to behavior, actions, or topics. They aren’t meant to control someone else’s behavior, but simply to protect yourself and set guidelines for how you’re willing to interact with and be treated by someone else.

This can look like not engaging in a heated topic even when everyone else is jumping in, or setting aside time for yourself, or choosing not to share your views or thoughts on a particular subject, or kindly saying “no” when someone requests that you do or say something that goes against your wishes or values.

05 | You won’t be able to talk about everything.

In an ideal world, you could share everything about yourself with your family, and be sure that there would be nothing but love from them in response. But this unfortunately isn’t the world we live in. You might feel more comfortable sharing much of your thoughts and life with your inner circle, but this isn’t necessarily going to be the case with your family.

This is painful, but it’s also something that’s best accepted, provided there is a way to healthily do so. If possible, it would do you good to recognize the subjects that are safe (and even fun) to discuss with your family — TV shows you’re watching, new recipes, or work updates, for example. Avoiding more tricky or divisive subjects in favor of ones that will bring you closer together might be the key to navigating this season of family gatherings with grace.