The Ick: What It Is & Why It Can Be Toxic
Photo by cottonbro studio
If you spend any time online, you’ve probably heard of the ick. But in case you haven’t, here’s a quick breakdown of exactly what it is. The ick, first coined by a contestant on the UK dating reality TV series Love Island and later popularized on TikTok, is a term that refers to a woman’s sudden loss of attraction toward the man she’s dating. It’s abrupt, intense, and often irreversible, causing the woman to reevaluate the relationship.
What causes a woman to get the ick, you ask? Sometimes, it’s for good reasons, such as his being disrespectful to service workers, or making a sexist comment, or being obsessed with himself, or not aligning with him on core values, or having remarkably bad hygiene—these are all valid and understandable reasons to lose our attraction to someone.
But other times (and very often times), it’s for odd, petty, small “transgressions,” such as wearing a half-hoodie half-leather jacket, being excited to see her, sitting with his legs crossed, liking real milk, or losing his balance on a train.
How “the ick” promotes toxic masculinity.
We’ve all heard of toxic masculinity—the set of character qualities that include being overly macho, aggressive, stoic, insensitive, haughty, and tough. While healthy masculinity is valiant, respectful, strong, adventurous, and protective, toxic masculinity has been rightly called out, and highlighted as harmful to both men and women.
This is what makes the cultural phenomenon of getting “the ick” for such frivolous, non-offensive actions as a guy putting his head on a girl’s shoulder or tying his shoes using the bunny ear technique so puzzling; sending the message to men that the moment they do something less than “masculine,” or make the mistake of being a human being in front of a woman, she’ll instantly lose interest in him, is alarming—and it promotes toxic masculinity.
This can threaten men into a box, causing them to feel pressured to be perfectly masculine, unfailingly stoic, never allowed to be silly or unguarded—lest the woman he’s seeing immediately drop and reject him. Getting “the ick” for innocuous behaviors only serves to encourage everything that is toxic masculinity in young men.
More than it is a feeling, love is a choice.
The reality is that anyone we date will have flaws, quirks, and annoying habits. There is no such thing as someone that will never make us narrow our eyes and think, “That was odd/gross/irritating.” We will never find someone who’s the picture of perfection, 24/7.
And yet, is this not what makes love so significant? When we choose to continue loving someone (because love is not merely a feeling, but a choice), day after day, we are growing in maturity, faithfulness, and depth. We are looking beyond the small oddities and the strange habits—just as they are doing for us in return—and loving them, wholly and completely, with no condition of perfection.
“The ick” for such small oddities perpetuates the unhealthy notion that love will always be felt—strongly, deeply, passionately. It creates an immature, unrealistic understanding of love as something that is based solely on the heart.
When we love someone, “the ick” won’t be a factor.
When we truly love someone, maturely and selflessly, there is no such thing as “the ick.” Instead, there is an acknowledgment of his shortcomings, and a decision to love him in spite of them. There is what beloved mystery writer Agatha Christie perfectly expressed: “It is a curious thought, but it is only when you see people looking ridiculous, that you realize just how much you love them.”