5 Things We Need To Stop Saying To Christian Singles

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Everyone has been single at some point. And although some of us may not be anymore, I’m sure most have been in the awkward situation of discussing our status with another human being.

When it comes to the Church, it seems like everyone is interested in why you’re not married or at least seeing someone. You may have dreaded family gatherings, and avoided eye contact with people in the grocery store because you just don’t want to talk about it anymore.

Somehow, lots of married folks feel the need to tell you things like, “Marriage is so hard, just enjoy your singleness.” Elderly relatives will ask if you have a significant other as soon as you’re in high school. On the flip side, religious leaders will preach damaging messages about how you need to kill your desire for companionship, before it twists itself into an idol.

Last year, God blessed me with the opportunity to marry my husband. Though I fully acknowledge I cannot be any sort of expert on marriage, I do know quite a bit about what it’s like to be single.

For you singles who are struggling to reckon with the questions below, I hope you can find encouragement through this post. However, this is also for those in the Church who are asking said questions of our single brothers and sisters. We can do better. Here are 5 things we all need to stop saying to Christian singles.

01 | “Singleness is a gift.” (variation: “Maybe you have the gift of singleness.”

Often, singleness is addressed in the Church as “a gift.” We are told that it’s something we should enjoy, and be grateful for. They tell us, “Everyone is given a gift from the Spirit! You don’t get teaching, mercy, serving, or exhortation — you get to be single! Yay!”

But what we hear is that God spun some big wheel and decided that abstinence was what some random person was allotted. That we are to kill any feeling in our hearts that is sympathetic to a different ideal, because, “what if that isn’t what God wants?”

If we read 1 Corinthians 7 in its entirety, we’ll discover that Paul doesn’t give us a message from the Lord saying that singleness is the best gift a person could ask for. Rather, he tells us that for people like him, whose everyday life was threatened as he sought to spread the Gospel, getting married isn’t the smartest idea. His priorities were not settling down, but rather being free to roam from place to place. If death met him at his next destination, he wouldn’t be leaving anyone behind. (1 Cor. 7:6-7)

Some find their life’s calling leads them down a road on which marriage would not be helpful. To them, their singleness is a gift. A significant other would just get in the way of what they need to do. (1 Cor. 7:29-31)

But that is not how everyone can live, as Paul attests. He says that those who desire to marry, should. He declares marriage a good and holy thing created by God. (1 Cor. 7:6-16, Hebrews 13:4)

02 | “You’re making an idol out of marriage.”

Maybe you’ve casually mentioned to someone how much you’d like to find someone you can spend your life with. But while you might expect a bit of compassion, instead you are informed that you must be making an idol out of marriage by desiring after it.

To long for something, to dream of it and look to it as a potential channel by which to experience love, joy, and connection does not necessarily make it an idol. To truly make something an idol, we must place our trust and hope in it over our trust and hope in God. (1 John 5:20-21) People can make an idol out of serving, teaching, parenthood, etc. But we don’t often hear of these things being regarded as idols.

In the beginning, when the earth was first formed, God looked upon His creation and declared it good — except for one thing. Man was alone. To Him, this was not good. (Genesis 2:18) So God gave man a woman to be his partner in the context of marriage, completing His plan and creation.

Scripture teaches us that from the beginning of time, the relationship that a husband and wife share is one that reflects the bond between our souls and God Himself. (Eph. 5:31-32) God has shown us the great worth and joy that marriage is designed to be and has encouraged us to pursue it, not to kill all our feelings and try to “martyr” our way through.

03 | “When are you going to find somebody?”

I wonder if people are intending to take interest in someone’s life by asking this question. However, asking someone whether or not there’s a special someone that they’re hiding somewhere only creates all the more pressure.

For those who want to find a companion, fresh pain arises at the reminder of all the other people who’ve found what they’re looking for. They only feel worse when the response they receive is, “Well, surely there has to be someone out there who will like you!” Somehow, what was intended for comfort may only drive the knife deeper into our wound. “But what if I never find anyone who does?” we ask ourselves.

Yet for others, they may be in no rush to be joined to another person. There are some of us who are intent on finishing college, acquiring the promotion we had our eye on, or serving overseas before settling down. But not all our choices or lifestyle changes are going to be met with understanding. 

People will always have their own opinions on how you should live your life. But as Paul reminds us “...Let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him.” (1 Cor. 7:17)

04 | “Getting married & having lots of kids is the only way to glorify God/live according to His will.”

Some of us may have grown up around certain toxic “Christian” movements. What is the predominant message that women especially receive through groups that say things like this? That the only way a woman can bring glory to God, live within His will, and please Him is to marry as soon as it’s legal and have many, many children, never allowing herself to explore the possibility of having a job outside of the home, going to college, or pursuing a career, should she desire to do that. I’ve seen the damage this kind of culture creates firsthand.

Children are certainly a blessing to those who long for parenthood. But it’s also not what God has assigned to everybody. Some people have no intention of having children, or are only planning on one or two.

Christ’s followers across the centuries have strengthened and grown His Kingdom in many ways. Think of how many souls would be in a far different place if writers and missionaries like Amy Carmichael, Lottie Moon, or Elizabeth Elliot would have never left their homes or raised their voices!

“As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God's varied grace: Whoever speaks, as one who speaks oracles of God; whoever serves, as one who serves by the strength that God supplies—in order that in everything God may be glorified through Jesus Christ. To him belong glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen.” (1 Peter 4:10-11)

05 | “Maybe there’s something wrong with you.”

For me personally, this was one of the hardest things to hear while I was single. Growing up as a deeply introspective introvert who related much better to dead theologians than my peers, I frequently heard from people that I was “too much” — that my deep thoughts and ideas would scare away every man, that I needed to water myself down in order for someone to actually like me.

God created countless different types of people. Although none of us are the same, there are those of us who share certain traits, interests, and passions. For some of us, finding our person takes more time, more searching, more heartache. But I know that if God made someone who fit together with me, there’s got to be someone who fits with you too, dear ones.

Take heart. Do not be ashamed to feel how you do. Go boldly into the world and leave your mark, and may you find someone else doing the same.