Are You The Toxic One In Your Relationship?
Photo by Svetlana
Relationships, even the best ones, can be challenging. Our attempts to love someone well, to understand what they need from us, to learn selflessness, and to meld our lives with someone else’s will always call our attention to the ways we come up short.
But sometimes, relationships don’t simply experience the normal ups and downs, the friction that’s to be expected between two imperfect people. Sometimes, the issues present in the relationship create a dynamic that’s, for lack of a better word, toxic.
It’s easy to quickly point the finger at the other person and assume they must be the source of the relationship’s toxicity, but before we pass judgment, it’s worth taking a step back and asking ourselves an uncomfortable (and yet necessary) question: “Am I the toxic one in this relationship?”
Here are a few signs that we might be the ones creating the toxic dynamic, and how to solve that.
01 | You often struggle with jealousy.
Yes, jealousy is a natural feeling for us, but that doesn’t mean we should allow it to go unchecked. Jealousy acts as a poison for relationships, causing us to constantly keep tabs on our significant other, overreact to insignificant things, and make him emotionally exhausted.
So the next time you feel envy creeping in—whether it’s over an ex-girlfriend that he doesn’t even speak to anymore, because of a female friend he has, or because you noticed a barista smile at him—stop and ask yourself if this jealousy is stemming from something real, or your own insecurities.
02 | You allow negativity to run the show.
We all have our down days—when we feel like absolutely nothing is going right, when any little thing has the power to set us off, when we have about a million complaints we could unleash at any moment.
But constant negativity will put a strain on any relationship. Presenting yourself as someone who’s always on the brink of despair, bitterness, or disappointment will lead him to feel like he’s walking on eggshells at all times.
03 | You don’t like him having fun without you.
We want our significant other to love being with us. To prefer us, to have fun with us, to choose us. But even if he feels all of those things, he still needs to have a life outside of us—he needs his own friends, his own hobbies, his own interests.
It’s all too common to dislike the thought of your significant other having fun without you, whether he’s having a blast on his guys’ night, enjoying unwinding with a few rounds of a video game, or going for a hike and soaking up some alone time. It’s okay, necessary even, for him to have fun without you sometimes. Don’t make your insecurity over his having a good time with his friends his problem—instead, ask yourself why you’re feeling this way.
04 | You’ve threatened to break up more than once.
Sometimes, we wonder if a breakup is necessary, even if it’s not what we want—maybe he’s changed for the worse recently, or he’s partaking in risky behavior you’re not on board with. And so you bring up the prospect of breaking up with him, hoping that’s not actually where things will lead, but he’ll clean up his act instead. None of this is uncommon or toxic.
But it’s when breaking up is used as a threat to control the other person, and not to give them a reality check, that this tactic becomes toxic. And if a breakup has been used to pressure him to fall in line more than once, this is a sure sign of unhealth.
05 | You have a hard time admitting your faults.
The reality is, each of us is riddled with faults, shortcomings, and quirks. Not one of us will emerge victorious in the contest of who has the shortest record of wrongdoings. And while it’s not always easy to admit our faults, doing so (gradually, over time) is the sign of a healthy, mature adult.
The sign of toxicity, on the other hand, is an unwillingness, blindness, or desire to justify your faults, making it not only frustrating for your significant other, but impossible for the relationship to progress healthily.
06 | You run away from conflict.
No matter what that picture-perfect couple would like you to believe, conflict is a given when it comes to relationships. There’s not a couple on earth that hasn’t had their disagreements, arguments, and issues. And yet, for some of us, the first sign of conflict is our cue to run away.
This is an understandable reaction, but that doesn’t make it the ideal one. If you find yourself shutting down, stonewalling, or taking off as soon as the going gets tough, this can make your significant other feel abandoned, ignored, and uncared for.