6 Tips For The Introvert Trying To Be A Better Friend

Photo by Ron Lach

It’s not controversial to say that when it comes to making and keeping friends, introverts can struggle. While we’re described to yearn for deep, true, kindred spirit friendships, the reality is that introverts aren’t always the best at cultivating these types of friendships—whether that’s making the first connection, or maintaining it long after a friendship is formed.

In fact, it’s likely this same notion (that introverts are naturally drawn toward friendships of depth) that keeps us from stepping outside of our comfort zones, challenging ourselves, and learning how to be better friends to the ones we love. We find comfort in the idea that we’re naturally better friends than extroverts, but it’s this line of thought that keeps us from actually being good friends.

And this leads countless introverts to feel isolated, lonely, and friendless. But what if we could do something to solve this? What if we could learn how to be better friends? We tell ourselves that extroverts have a lot to learn about making deeper friend connections, but what do we introverts have to learn?

Here are 6 tips, from one introvert to another, on how to be a better friend.

01 | Be willing to initiate.

Even the most introverted of us want friends—we’d agree to hang out with that one girl if she’d just ask us; we’d go to a movie night, a cafe, a museum, the park, or a bookstore with her if she would just invite us.

But it’s seldom that we actually take action, that we take it upon ourselves to make friends. More often than not, we wait around for someone else to initiate friendship… and this can lead us to end up waiting for a very long time.

Be the one willing to initiate a hangout, to plan a get-together, to invite someone over for dinner, to do the thing that makes you uncomfortable.

02 | Focus on what others need from you.

As introverts, it’s difficult not to get caught up in what we’re feeling in a social situation. Whether we’re feeling overwhelmed and need a few minutes alone, or feeling ignored and need someone to take interest in us and invite us into the conversation. We spend quite a bit of time reflecting on what we need.

Every now and then, try instead to focus on what others might need from you. Maybe you’ll notice that there’s another introvert who’s been getting left out—approach them and make them feel interesting. This can help you feel less overstimulated, and instead, more purposeful.

03 | Go against your “nature.”

Yes, it’s not in our “nature” as introverts to speak up as often, or strike up a conversation with a total stranger, or enjoy having all the attention on us for a prolonged period of time, or reach out to say what a wonderful time we had with our new friend.

Go against that nature. Take ownership of the conversations you find yourself in. Allow yourself to play the part of someone who’s comfortable being centerstage. Be the kind of person who can make someone else’s day just by sending a sweet, unexpected text.

04 | Be willing to be vulnerable.

While there are many different brands of introversion, mine is one that causes me to protect myself by way of minimizing vulnerability. I prefer not to share many details about myself, as they feel too personal and vulnerable. This isn’t always a bad thing, but when it comes to forging deeper friendships, a little bit of vulnerability can go a long way.

One you’ve assessed that the person you’re speaking with us trustworthy, be willing to share a little bit more about yourself than you’re “comfortable” with—even before the other person has. Set the tone. Be the person who leads the conversation to a deeper place.

05 | Communicate honestly & openly.

Introverts can be a bit of an enigma (even to themselves). We supposedly desire kindred spirits, and yet we often push people away by not reaching out or failing to communicate our needs honestly. From their perspective, we’re the friend that they always invite, who always says no.

Be open with the people you hope to grow closer with. If you need a weekend to yourself, just say that. Let them know how thankful you are for the invite, and decline it by communicating what you need to do instead.

06 | Challenge yourself to say yes more often.

With that last point being said, try not to be the person who never says yes (this will eventually lead to fewer and fewer invites). While there will undoubtedly be those days when you truly need some introverted time, challenge yourself to say yes at least as often (if not more often) as you decline the invitation.

07 | Be the friend you’ve always wanted.

I’ve had countless moments when I’ve dreamed about having the type of friend I’d always wished for; someone who could be fun and silly, but also deep and thoughtful; someone who loved books and movies and adventures, and shared a similar trajectory; someone who’d reach out with a fun Friday night plan.

It’s within our power to be that kind of friend to someone. Be the friend you’ve always wished for. Reach out with, “How are you doing?” texts, ask questions, take an interest, host, plan hangouts, and dig deep. Be the friend you’ve always wanted.