Making Friends As A Mom: The Art Of Choosing A Playground

Photo by Наташа Чижевская

Making friends as a young mother is very challenging. The social dynamic changes dramatically as soon as uncultured, overly emotive beings enter the fray. Meeting potential friends is not the hard part; making any further connection with these potential soulmates is where the challenge truly lies. 

Between the diapers, interruptions, near-death experiences, and everything else that can happen at an ordinary playdate, having enough adult conversation to forge a bond can seem like an insurmountable task. Playgrounds are the answer.

The playground is the neutral meeting place where friendships can form without requiring a clean house, clean children, clean hair (thank you, baseball caps!), or anything else that might be a deterrent to socializing. 

However, not all playgrounds are equal in their ability to foster connections.  Some are notably awful and do quite the opposite. A good playground, for a mother of many little people who is seeking adult friendship, will have certain characteristics that make it useful for this venture.

A few tips on finding the right playground…

When surveying potential playgrounds to use as your friendship springboard, look for fencing. In some areas of the country this is commonplace, but not in all. If you are so lucky as to have fenced playgrounds, wonderful! If not, look for playgrounds set back from roads and parking lots, and make sure they have clearly delineated boundaries. Avoid a grouping of play equipment randomly scattered on a grassy park, unless there’s something else which visually determines the boundary. Unfortunately, without a fence to keep your children in, you’ll need to teach them the number one playground rule: don’t go off the playground.

Practice following this rule ahead of time, and be prepared to make your child sit and have a timeout, or whatever your preferred method is, to enforce that staying on the playground area means fun, and venturing off into the world means boredom. I find that around eighteen months to two years old is when this clicks into place. 

Mothers of one year olds, you just have to endure, but you can start the practice even if your results will not be initially impressive. Having children that remain in the playground area allows you the freedom to have more than five feet between you and your progeny. You can’t have worthwhile conversation while chasing your children.

Next, look for playgrounds with good lines of sight. You don’t want one of the “awesomely cool” bigger kid playgrounds that has hills, walled castles, and the like. While those are great for kids old enough to play out of sight but within hearing distance, they’re nothing but a constant adrenaline pump for moms of toddlers. Even the best toddler will stray off the playground once in a while, and keeping them mostly in sight alleviates this fear. This doesn’t mean that you’re limited only to the playgrounds marketed to children 0-3 years old.  Many very fun playgrounds are built in such a way that a child is visible 80% of the time, even while traversing incredibly varied ground.

Bathrooms are the next hurdle. If you can find a playground with at least a Porta Potty, that’s ideal—although this is not always possible. Do your best.  And, if you can’t manage a restroom, keep a training potty stuffed underneath one of your carseats for emergencies, line it with a large diaper, and keep some plastic doggy bags for disposal. It looks a bit silly if the clerk spies it at grocery pickup, but I can’t even count how many times my children’s outfits have been saved by a potty in the car. Bathrooms of some sort are especially valuable at a playground if you, or your potential guest, has a child of potty training age.

And now, tips on making fellow mom friends…

Now that most of the basic needs are met at the playground—children are contained, in view, and their toileting needs are handled—proceed to the adult needs. Moms by nature are tired, so look for a playground with nice benches, preferably in the shade. Bonus points if the playground has benches all around the exterior so that no matter where the children range, a comfortable spot will be available.

Finally, a playground that’s somewhat near a coffee shop makes modern mothers more likely to accept your invitation to join in a playdate. Even those of us penny-pinchers who’d rather save our cash than spend it on gourmet drinks are hard-pressed not to like the idea of pleasant chatting in the shade, coffee in hand, while the children play. It’s a nice idea, and most moms are willing to pay to make it happen. The coffee does more than bring company; it also provides a conversational starting point, particularly if this is an acquaintance you do not yet know well. 

Discovering that you both prefer tea to coffee is a connection; or, if you find that your companion hates coffee while you’re sipping your double espresso, you can ask if she could recommend some teas you might enjoy trying, and give her the chance to share her interests. Coffee shops and playgrounds naturally pair as a starting point for both conversation and friendship.

Finally, when you’ve found a playground where your children can roam mostly freely, where you can sit in comfort at least 70% of the time, and all bodily needs are met, you’re ready for the final step: invite a friend. Or, invite that mom you shared a laugh with at donut hour last week. No one will be offended by the invite, and even if she declines, she knows you reached out and she’ll appreciate it.

In discussions with my local group of mom friends, absolutely zero women said they would be upset at an acquaintance reaching out in friendship. Most said they’d love this, as they’re often too nervous to do it themselves. It’s easy to send a text, or message someone on Facebook. Reach out to someone each week, and don’t give up. 

Reciprocity in friendship is a dying art, so don’t be deterred if you have to be the instigator of these meetups for a while; eventually that will fade, but it could take quite a bit of time. Assume that if your guest responds positively, even if it’s by asking for a rain check, then she’s happy to spend time with you. In the meantime, practice your playground skills so they’ll be ready when you have an invite accepted.

In short…

Be the friend you wish you had, and use your children and their energy needs as the launchpad to your social life. There is everything to be gained and nothing to be lost from this. Becoming a playground connoisseur is a skill that will benefit you in all your years of motherhood.