6 Phrases You Can Say To Him That Aren’t “How Are You Doing?”

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We’ve all heard it said that communication is one of the key ingredients in a healthy, lasting, fulfilling relationship. We understand that if we want to forge a deep connection and keep it alive, that if we want to be privy to the inner world of our spouse, that if we want to be the person they feel most at home with, that we have to establish this through emotional closeness, affection, and consistent communication.

But sometimes, even with all of these ideals, we struggle to figure out how to actually create this kind of dynamic. And if we never had it modeled for us, initiating a deep, honest, life-giving conversation feels nearly impossible.

And so, we resort to asking him, “How are you doing?” any time we can sense that there’s something on his mind. But more often than not, when we use this tactic, our bid for a meaningful conversation is met with, “Fine.”

How are you doing? might work every now and then, but often enough, it doesn’t really cut it — it doesn’t truly invite the other person to open up and reveal their inner world. It’s well-meaning, but it’s vague. So what would do that? What questions or phrases would do the trick?

Here are 6 things you can say to him that aren’t “How are you doing?”

01 | “What are you looking forward to this week?”

Asking about what specifically he’s most looking forward to in the coming week invites him to reflect on the positives that lay ahead, and maybe even get excited about what’s in store for the coming days — not to mention, it enables you to share in his excitement.

02 | “What are you anxious about this week?”

With the various positives that every new week holds, there will likely be a few negatives as well. And it’s important to be clued in to the potential problems that he’s facing — not just so you support him through them, but so you can also be aware of when he might be in need of more patience, gentleness, and grace.

03 | “How have you been feeling about [insert personal issue here]?”

There are some issues that, whatever the circumstances or season of life we’re in, will continue to be a struggle, despite our efforts to work on it. Maybe he’s always had a strained relationship with his family, or maybe he’s battled on and off with depression. If there’s a problem that you know persists, even if he doesn’t talk about it often, let him know that you’re willing to listen and empathize any time he needs you to.

04 | “How can I support you right now?”

We all long for support. We need to know that there’s someone who sees us, understands our troubles, and cares for our well-being. But very often, men won’t come right out and ask for support. This makes it all the more important to assume there is probably something he could use your support in, and ask him what that might look like.

05 | “You mentioned you were stressed about [insert problem here] the other day. How is that going?”

What means the world, even more than listening to him express something that’s been stressing him out, is following up with him. It gives him the opportunity to revisit the subject and lets him know that you’re actively taking an interest in the things you know he has on his plate.

06 | “What are three words you’d use to describe how you’re feeling today?”

Sometimes, the most challenging part of getting a conversation going is figuring out what exactly he’s even feeling, and therefore, what needs to be focused on. Help him zero in on what’s going on under the surface by asking him to name it.