3 Tips For Making Friends As An Adult

Photo by Reinhart Julian on Unsplash

Remember when you were five and friendships were simpler? It feels like the more life we live the harder or more complicated maintaining meaningful friendships can be. And if you’re anything like me, you want to be intentional and you have high standards for the friendships you do manage to hold onto as life gets busy when you hit adulthood.

Because let’s face it: once you have a job, a spouse, and/or a few kids, your time and energy become very precious resources. So how do we still prioritize friendships as adult women without it becoming a chore or an overwhelming whirlpool of social obligations? 

There are three things that have helped me find peace in friendships as I’ve grown older. 

01 | Recognize that there are various types of friendships.

When I was in high school and even college, I felt a strong pressure that I had to keep up with all of my friends to the same degree and put the same amount of time into each one and strive to have almost the same level of connection with each one. That’s a recipe for a quick but painful burn out. 

In more recent years, I’ve come to realize that having different types of friends doesn’t mean anything negative about them or about me. It’s actually how life works and will keep me from running crazy like a hamster on a wheel.

Because you can have a relationship with someone who you only see at church once a week and love chatting with them; that’s it. While you also have friends that you get together with weekly, or at least monthly, who know you intimately and who are the ones to bring you food when you have the flu. 

There’s nothing wrong with savoring each friendship for what it is. You don’t have to force it to be more than it is, and you also don’t have to feel like you can’t engage with them unless they are your closest connection.

Let things be what they are and accept that there are various types of friends, all valid and valuable.  

02 | Recognize that friendships go through various seasons. 

Similar to the point above, I often felt like I needed to keep up with all of my friends no matter what season I or they were in. However, the longer I live the more I realize that’s not fun for you or them. Because sometimes life is just really hard and trying to get together with that old friend from high school is simply too much. Or you realize that you’re not actually connected to that particular person anymore and you’ve both subtly moved on. 

Because life does change and people change. There should be the space in a friendship to notice when maybe they are overwhelmed, so you don’t take offense that they haven’t texted you in months. Or you accept the fact that your old college roommate will probably no longer be your best friend because you live in different countries now.

It’s possible to truly love someone and have a genuine friendship with them and let it be what it will be over time. The same is true about friendships that only last a certain season. They were wonderful at the time and served a purpose for that moment. There’s nothing wrong with either of those scenarios and you’re no less a friend because of those realities. 

03 | Manage what you can in each moment. 

There are things that I sometimes end up doing simply because I feel like I have to. I often lose sight of the joy or purpose they are supposed to bring to my life. Keeping up with friends and relationships can, sadly, be no different if I’m particularly busy or stressed. Loving people can just become part of the to-do list. And sometimes that’s how it has to be and we go on. 

However, I’ve learned that grace is often what is required. Like the above points suggest, there should be wiggle room and nuance to the duty we feel to each friend. And sometimes the thing that dictates that is you, not them.

You may need a break or need to adjust the level of pressure you’re placing on yourself to keep up with everyone. Maybe your friends don’t even have the high-expectations you have for yourself. If they’re a good friend, they’ll understand why you didn’t call them back right away or why you’ve been MIA for a little while.

As much grace as you offer to the variety of friends you have and the many seasons of life there are, you should give that to yourself, too. Just do what you can each day and let any burdens or guilt slip away. 

In short…

Maybe it’s when we accept life for what it is and each of us for who we are, that friendships can feel a little more like kindergarten again.