Why Introspection Will Actually Help Your Relationships
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We tend to think of relationships as others-focused and exterior — they’re outside ourselves, involving another person, separate from our interior world. We assume that any issues within a relationship, be it romantic, platonic, or familial, stem from a miscommunication or misunderstanding between the two of us — or even a fault on the other person’s account.
But what if, sometimes, it has more to do with us alone? What if in order to cultivate a healthy marriage or friendship, we have to do some self-reflection, turning our gaze inward? What if we have to learn the art of introspection?
What is introspection?
Introspection, simply put, is the ability to be upfront with ourselves — it’s the act of examining our innermost thoughts, feelings, and motives. Just how we might normally look at someone else and question their objectives, guess what they’re feeling, and come to conclusions about why they’re feeling it, introspection enables us to take a deep,long look inward and truly understand our reactions, desires, and expectations rather than simply experiencing them.
Introspection helps us express our needs better.
More often than not, we aren’t even totally sure about what we need — and more importantly, why we need it. For example, maybe it bothers you when your husband leaves trash on the counters instead of throwing it in the bin. You might assume it bothers your because it’s sloppy — but digging deeper than, “I’m upset by this”, asking yourself “Why am I so upset by this?” can offer wonderful insight.
It might annoy you for a few reasons: you’ve already asked him not to, it makes you feel disrespected after all the work you put into cleaning the kitchen, or it creates an environment that feels out of control for you.
Knowing the “why” behind our reactions will help us better express our needs to those around us — because a wrapper or an empty coffee cup on the counter won’t bother everyone to the same degree. Instead of becoming agitated and surprising our loved one with a harsh response, we can more fully explain why we need what we need without accusatory, angry words.
It also helps us give others more grace.
The more well-versed we are in pondering our own reactions, desires, and expectations, the better we’ll be able to extend grace and understanding for what we immediately perceive as our husband’s overreaction, our friend’s oversensitivity, and our sister’s thoughtlessness.
Once we’re more fluent in the inner-language in introspection, seeing the needs and inner worlds of others will come more naturally to us, making for a relationship that is both safe and authentic.
We’ll be more aware of how we affect our loved ones.
While we think of relationships as happening outside ourselves, there’s a great deal that goes in inside — and the nature of a close friendship or committed relationship means that anything that’s brewing inside us will seep out and affect our loved one.
Self-reflection, while allowing us to get a better picture of our concerns, hopes, and needs and how we’re impacted by them, also helps give us a better understanding of how we directly affect the people around us. When we can put a name on our frame of mind and innermost emotions, we’ll be able to see how it influences our husband, friend, or family member and make a greater effort to make our influence a more positive, lifegiving one.