Is It Shallow To Care About Looks In Dating?
Photo by Dziana Hasanbekava
There are about a million things we’re taking into account on a first date. Does he like me? Do we share a sense of humor? Do we hold similar values? Is he the type of man I could imagine spending years with? Is he kind? And (in the interest of honesty) is he handsome?
It’s true that we live in a culture that glorifies physical attractiveness, to the point where it too often becomes the most crucial ingredient we look for in a date — despite the fact that we don’t have that much control over our physical appearance.
And so, we’re taught not to judge a book by its cover; that true beauty is found within; that to care about looks is shallow; that if we’re hoping to find a long-term relationship, attraction is the last thing we should be concerned about.
But is this true? Is it actually shallow to care about looks in dating?
There’s no simple answer.
The answer? Well, as is the case with many big questions, it’s both yes and no. Caring too deeply about looks can cause us to focus on only some of the important qualities when searching for that special someone, but throw others (that are potentially more important) out the window without a second thought. Placing physical attractiveness at the top of our priorities in a partner can also lead us to overlook bad behavior that shouldn’t be excused, or to too quickly dismiss someone who might have been a wonderful match for us, had we been willing to give them a chance.
But it’s not always wrong to care.
That being said, there’s a reason we care about looks in the first place — because, to an extent, they matter. We were created to have a natural response to beauty, and attempting to stamp it out or ignore it entirely won’t have the effect we’re hoping for, especially given the fact that our perception of someone’s physical appearance is more of an involuntary evolutionary reaction than it is our having random preferences.
Women in particular have felt the pressure to not care so much (if at all) about looks. But what this can often end up translating into, rather than partnering up with a good man we deeply love, is convincing ourselves to date someone we don’t have any attraction whatsoever to and will eventually feel compelled to break up with.
We can’t talk ourselves into wanting to spend our life with someone, and we shouldn’t allow the other person to be with someone who had to convince themselves to stay.
What you should care about as well.
That being said, though, facial symmetry doesn’t guarantee an equally wonderful personality. It doesn’t mean they’ll have a delightful sense of humor or values that align with ours. It doesn’t promise a good, faithful man. Looks are just the first thing that we assess, but as we get closer, there are other factors we would be remiss not to take into account. What are these factors?
He’s kind to everyone he comes across and treats them with decency, from his boss to the waiter; he has a “why,” a reason to get up in the morning, something meaningful to work towards; he shares your values and beliefs; he can make you laugh; he isn’t wishy-washy with you, but is upfront about what he’s looking for (and what he’s looking for is a committed relationship); he challenges you; he cares about his physical health, eats well, and exercises; he’s wise with money and doesn’t spend frivolously; he’s someone you can count on.
In short…
It’s not shallow to care about looks. It’s important to feel drawn to the person you choose to commit to. But that shouldn’t be where the assessment stops. There are countless other qualities to consider — and some of them might even be more important than his jawline.