How To Love An Extrovert Well

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We introverts spend a whole lot of time feeling misunderstood — and that’s not without reason. From the time we’re young, we’re made to feel different, incorrect, even. We’re told that our introversion is something we’ll need to grow out of, that we ought to speak up more, quit being so shy. We’re left feeling totally unappreciated, unseen, and isolated.

It was this collective feeling of being misunderstood that led introverts to the conclusion that the extroverts of the world just needed to accept us as we were — to make an effort to understand and love us well rather than try to change us. (We need alone time! We can’t be rushed in social situations! We just want to be appreciated!)

As a result the number of online communities, discussion threads, and articles dedicated to teaching extroverts the art of loving introverts well has skyrocketed, and the extroverts have learned to listen.

But this is where introverts tend to take a misstep: we assume that it’s only us that have struggled to feel understood, seen, and loved well. We see the world as always having catered to extroverts, and can’t imagine that we’d ever have to do or learn anything in order to make them feel loved. But we’re wrong.

There is indeed an art to loving an extrovert well, and it’s one that too many introverts haven’t taken the time to learn. But there’s no better time to start than right now. Below, find 5 ways we can love our extroverts better.

Communication is key.

We’re all well aware that introverts keep most of their thoughts to themselves. We feel safe tucked away in the recesses of our inner world and typically don’t feel the need to share every thought or feeling — and even when we do, we might struggle to find the words to do so. But it’s safe to say that communication isn’t always our strength.

When we’re needing some alone time, or we’re nervous about a social gathering, or we’re feeling overwhelmed, all we can think about is giving ourselves what we need, be it space, time, or quiet. But our extrovert can’t read our mind, and will only be left wondering why we’re pushing them away, snapping at them, or disappearing when they’d like to spend time with us. This is easily remedied by taking the time to tell our extrovert exactly what we need and why we need it: “I love spending time with you. I’m going to go recharge in the other room for a while, but let’s watch something together after?”

Extroverts thrive off of communication, and that’s not something they need to change, but instead, something we can challenge our introverted selves to become better at — especially when our actions might confuse or hurt them.

Say “yes” more often.

We introverts love our bubble of safety and comfort, peace and quiet. We like to know what to expect, to control our environments. And this often leads us to say no to new experiences, be they risky, unfamiliar, or uncomfortable. Sometimes, we even say no to something we know, deep down, we should’ve said yes to, like catching up with an old friend from school or tagging along on our extrovert’s night out with friends.

And for an extrovert, this tendency of ours is difficult to interpret, and can even feel unloving. This is what makes it important to say “yes” sometimes to our extrovert’s bids for new, exciting experiences more often, even if we know they’ll drain us along the way. So long as our extrovert is willing to allow us introvert time, we can make this sacrifice in order to make them feel loved.

Be careful with ‘extrovert hate’.

Introverts are generally a bit upset with extroverts — after all, it feels as though the world so often works in favor of extroverts, and that we’re expected to adapt in order to survive. Some of our annoyance is warranted, but we also have to be careful not to fall into the trap of extrovert hate.

Far too many introverts regard extroverts as spoiled, loudmouthed, selfish, or silly, assuming that depth and intelligence are only for the introverts. This posture can put extroverts on the defensive, and left feeling misunderstood (and we know how awful that feels), belittled, and unwelcome.

Take some initiative.

Because extroverts have a greater, more constant need for stimulation, it’s only natural for them to take more initiative when it comes to planning dates or opening conversations. But this doesn’t mean they should always have to.

Relationships thrive when one party doesn’t feel as though it’s all up to them to keep it going. While it may be less natural to us to take initiative, or we’d just rather stay home, going out of our way to plan a date we know they’ll love will make our extrovert feel cherished and seen by us.

Remember what you love about them.

Sure, we have plenty of complaints to file with extroverts. We’d love it if they wouldn’t take it personally when we want to be alone, or stop trying to convince us to go out when we’re already out of social battery. But as many bones as there are to pick, there’s quite a bit we can love about extroverts, too.

We can love that they embolden us to go on new adventures that we might not have otherwise, that they’ll do most of the talking when we’re just too tired to string a sentence together, that they have a knack for creating community (especially if that’s something we struggle with), or that they challenge us to see the world from their perspective. We don’t have to look too long or hard in order to remember what drew us to our extrovert in the first place.