How To Fight Well In Marriage

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We walked into our counselor’s office together. He was visibly nervous and distant. I was blissfully unaware about how bad things had become.

“Sit down,” our counselor said. “Did you tell her this week, like we discussed?” Our counselor stared at my husband, waiting for his answer.

He turned to me and began with a deep breath and a shaky voice, “I haven’t been honest with you.” The words no wife wants to hear, ever.

He continued, “I haven’t been doing well. I’m still really struggling. I’ve been lying about my behavior. I never really stopped...” His words trailed off.

My heart sank to my stomach, my face went hot, and I felt like I’d throw up. It was at that moment that I became painfully aware: my husband’s porn “habit” was, in fact, an addiction, and was consuming him. I’d be lying if I told you I didn’t want to hurt him as much as he had hurt me.

That’s the thing about pain and anger — they cloud our ability to think clearly and make wise decisions. When we’re faced with conflict or negative emotions, we instinctively make one of two decisions: act out our aggression and explode, or retreat and hide from the pain and anger.

This is often referred to as ‘fight or flight’, and neither tend to be particularly productive when it comes to resolution. I’ve learned over the last 17 years of marriage that there are a few important elements to fighting fair and producing growth when it comes to conflict with our spouse.

01 | Fight with purpose.

When we set a goal, it’s typically easier to achieve it when we have purpose and a plan. The same theory applies to conflict. If we fight from a place of pain, we’ll rarely find resolve. For me personally, the argument would become more about listing all the ways I was hurting, angry, and justified rather than deciding what purpose would come from this.

If we don’t articulate what we believe resolution looks like, we’ll just continue down a road of resentment and discord, never truly resolving anything — but instead, stuffing what we really want and hope for, until it boils over again the next time.

In marriage, our goal should be to come out stronger on the other side, every time. Keeping this at the forefront, instead of our pain, helps us wade through the mess.

02 | Assume positive intent.

This is so challenging, especially when we feel like our head might explode and smoke is coming out of our ears, but if making an assumption is ever going to pay off in a situation, it’s going to be when we’re assuming the best about our spouse, even when we don’t feel like he deserves it.

When conflict starts to spiral, asking ourselves, “Do I want to reconcile or not?” helps keep everything in perspective. Chances are, we’re two well-intentioned people, working with the same outcome in mind. If that’s the case, to assume our spouse has pure motives is always going to be helpful in how we approach the situation.

For me personally, it’s assuming my husband isn’t purposefully trying to hurt me, but instead, remembering he’s human like me, and we’re both in need of some grace.

03 | Ask for help.

This is not a sign of weakness. Instead, it’s a sign of maturity and strength. Being able to communicate that something isn’t working and looking for external resources is an invaluable skill. We weren’t created to do life alone, and this goes for the hard things, too. In my marriage, we sought counseling from a professional and found help through different support groups. 

There’s also marriage mentoring, or help to be found in a faith community we’re part of. Whatever route we choose, we have to make showing up a priority. When my husband and I realized we couldn’t do this alone, everything changed. We needed help navigating these deep waters and there was no shame in admitting that.

In short…

Fighting fair takes work and practice. We don’t get it right every time, and depending on the reason for our conflict, it can feel overwhelming and unmanageable at times. The reality is that conflict is a part of life, but as long as there’s still fight left in us, it proves that we’re passionate, and that the issue at hand is worth our time and energy. 

I’ve discovered that fighting is both necessary and helpful when done in a healthy manner. Marriage is worth it and our relationships depend on it — so let’s fight for our marriage and not with each other.