Friendship Across The Ages: 6 Tips For Making Friends With Someone Much Older Than You

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I am incredibly lucky to have several extremely close friends whom I talk to regularly. I love female friendships. Despite jokes about ‘catfights’ and ‘mean girls’, I find their sister-like qualities beautiful. Young women hear a lot about the importance of mentors and mentoring ─ as teenagers we are encouraged to reach out to women in their twenties, as young mothers we are encouraged to reach out to older mothers.

And yet, there is one kind of female friendship that is often sadly overlooked, namely, friendships between young women and much older or elderly women. But these friendships are rewarding and can be a great source of encouragement and fun. Why are these friendships important?

Older women can often feel lonely as their peers start passing away, and due to sight or hearing issues they may struggle to take part in group activities and fast-paced conversations. Another factor is that our culture glorifies youth: aging has become a shameful thing (nowhere is this more obvious than in the world of celebrities and actresses), and the stereotype that old people are ‘behind the times’ and old-fashioned discourages young women from listening to their advice and wisdom. And yet, these ladies were our age once, and faced many of the same issues we now grapple with, and the perspective of sixty years down the line is incredible.

However, older ladies often hesitate to take the first step in initiating those conversations, because they often feel ‘uncool’ compared to young women.

As an introvert, I can find relating to others and building friendships difficult, but I have been pleasantly surprised by how easy it has been to make friends with older ladies. I am now blessed to have an adopted grandmother, who is a housebound invalid whom I visit regularly, and I also have sweet friendships with several ladies in my church. I’d love to encourage you to try reaching out to someone at least a few decades older than you, and here are a few ways to start:

01 | Start with simple questions.

If you rarely interact with older women that aren’t your grandmother, it can be difficult to know how to initiate a conversation. A casual and light ‘have you had a very exciting week so far?’ will usually elicit a smile and a positive response.

02 | Share about your life.

Talk about your life, your studies, your job, your hobbies. Share about your relationships. As someone in a long-distance relationship, I shared the difficult details of visa applications with an older lady in my church. Now, she regularly stops me and asks me about my wedding plans, and the interest and kindness I feel each time is greatly encouraging.

03 | Ask open questions that will give them a chance to tell you a story.

It’s not just teenage girls who like to talk about guys! The stories I’ve heard in response to a simple ‘so how did you and your husband meet?’ are often incredibly romantic, hilarious, and crazier than I would have ever expected. Sometimes you get the funniest details: one lady, a widow, was using a dating website, and she spent several weeks overthinking the first message her now-husband sent her.

04 | Show that you’re making an effort to get to know them.

If someone is sitting alone, off to the side of a group, sitting down next to them and striking up a conversation already shows that you’re trying to reach out. While I’m not able to visit my adopted grandmother every week, I try to write her a card in between visits; since she doesn’t have a smartphone I can’t text her, but I want her to know that I value our friendship.

05 | Ask for advice & wisdom.

I’ve asked older ladies for general advice pertaining to dating, life decisions, work, faith, literature, and I regularly ask my adopted grandmother for her views on more specific topics. While I know they’ve never faced the difficulties of navigating through a world full of technology or social media exhaustion as a young woman, there is nothing new under the sun, and their wisdom gleaned through years of experience is priceless.

06 | Don’t make assumptions.

It can be easy as young people to make assumptions about the elderly. We expect their political views, music interests, and thoughts about fashion to be a certain way, but it’s unfair to approach any friendship with the assumption that you already know these things about them. Befriend older women with an openness to get to know them for who they are, in the same way as you would want to be.