10 Signs You’re Outgrowing A Friendship
Photo by Yanapi Senaud on Unsplash
A friendship is one of the most meaningful, worthwhile, wonderful relationships we can have in our lives – they’re not there out of obligation or due to a blood bond or a shared lease or bank account. They’re around because they want and choose to be, all while never being forced to stick around.
To have a good and true friend is one of the most beautiful ways of feeling worthy and lovable, understood and seen. Worthwhile friends can affect us in a way that a mom, sister, or husband never can.
But there are times when it seems as though a friendship we used to hold near and dear is just… different now – like it doesn’t have the same rhythm it used to, and we’ve found ourselves feeling less and less connected to them.
Sometimes friendships go through off seasons before finding their footing again; life gets in the way, busyness takes hold of our schedule, and all the friendship needed was a Friday night to catch up sans distractions.
But what about the times when we find ourselves wondering if we’re even compatible as friends anymore? When our lives continue to grow further apart, until we feel like we have nothing in common anymore? Below, find 10 signs that you might have outgrown a friendship.
01 | You have to play an old version of yourself with them.
Each friendship has its own unique rhythm – we won’t necessarily behave the same way with every friend, depending on when and where we met them. While some friendships are formed well into adulthood, with our maturity level being much higher, others started back in our high school days, when we were still an immature kid.
With our longer lasting friendships, we might find ourselves reverting back into the person we were when we first met – and this isn’t always a bad thing. It can be refreshing to feel like a kid again with a friend that’s been there every step of the way.
But there are times when it seems as though we have to be this older version of ourselves, whether we desire to be or not, in order to connect with this friend. In this scenario, it’s more that our old self is still friends with this person, rather than our current self.
02 | You dread seeing them.
There are moments when we might be more or less enthusiastic to see a friend – maybe we just worked through a disagreement with them, or are dreading having to bring something up that’s been bothering us. But this basic point stands: we should be happy to see a friend on most occasions.
If we don’t even desire to see them anymore, and begin to dread the thought of seeing a friend without an obvious reason that can be solved, this is a clear sign that the friendship could be coming to an end.
03 | You aren’t better off after seeing them.
We won’t always be lightheartedly skipping home from every interaction with a friend; they could be going through a rough season, or maybe we’re both too exhausted from the chaos of life to be particularly inspiring to one another that day.
But ultimately, a friend should make us feel more full after seeing them, even if life still seems an unending storm. We ought to feel glad we have them, happy we took the time out of our day to catch up with them, and newly encouraged to take on the battles of life.
04 | You don’t have much to talk about.
Life won’t always be dramatic, intense, or fast-paced. We’ll have seasons of peace during which we almost feel boring or stale, like we don’t have enough to “update” someone on anymore.
But if we constantly feel like we’re quickly running out of things to talk about with a friend, even when we actually do have happenings and circumstances we’d talk about with someone else, it could be a sign that our lack of things to talk about is due to the friendship’s incompatibility rather than our being dull.
05 | You don’t feel supported.
The beauty of friendship is that it’s a chosen relationship between two people whose lives are most likely different, bringing a unique flavor into our life that we wouldn’t experience without their presence. It’s our differences that can often attract us – we love feeling like our friends add something special to our life.
However, these differences are only work when we’re still supported in them; if our friend doesn’t encourage our specific path and life choices, and we even feel held back by them, this is a signal that they’re looking for a friend whose decisions fall in line with theirs, not a friend whose life and choices might take effort on their part to understand.
06 | You can’t resolve a fight.
Most friendships that have any significance will go through a disagreement, or a moment that challenges us to reconsider our friend’s actions, and our own, where we’re faced with the task of finding a way to resolve the conflict and reconnect.
Yet, there are times when this seems impossible, due to a multitude of reasons: we can’t find a way to agree or justify our friend’s behavior, or our friend doesn’t show any desire to patch things up, or this problem has been persisting for too long anyway.
There are some fights that aren’t meant to be resolved for the purpose of continuing a relationship with someone. This doesn’t mean holding a grudge or neglecting to work through the conflict on our own side of things – we can resolve our part of the conflict without our friend’s effort, forgive them for any wrongdoings, and move on without the disagreement continuing to weigh on us, all while allowing the friendship to be a thing of the past.
07 | You make up reasons to cancel plans.
We won’t always feel up to every plan we make — sometimes we fill up our schedule in a moment of extroversion, only to regret agreeing to go out on the day of, and wondering if it’s too late to cancel.
But if our reluctance to see a friend has less to do with our general exhaustion or need for a night in, and more to do with the person we’ve made plans with, that’s our sign that this friend is just draining for us, rather than lifegiving. We should want to see a friend, not constantly make up excuses not to see them.
08 | The friendship has become one-sided.
A healthy friendship is based on a mutual desire for the relationship to continue. The effort to reach out or initiate plans should be relatively even, with both of us equally invested in pursuing the friendship.
There’s nothing more painful than a one-sided friendship, in which one person makes a greater effort to check up on the other and set up hangouts. If we find ourselves on either end of the spectrum of a one-sided friendship, it’s worth exploring whether or not the relationship is one that can or should continue.
09 | You have to hide parts of yourself.
The essence of friendship is built on our ability to be fully ourselves with this person. What makes someone more than an acquaintance or casual friend is our freedom to open up, not worry about being judged, and act authentically.
If we feel unable to do this with a friend, and are constantly mincing our words or hiding aspects of who we really are from them for fear of losing the friendship, then the relationship isn’t one of honesty, and it’s unhealthy to continue the charade.
10 | They don’t value your thoughts.
We choose our close friends based on whether or not we can appreciate and respect their opinions, ideals, thoughts, and advice. Respect and admiration are essential elements of any lasting friendship.
Whether or not a friend listens to our advice or agrees with our opinions, we ought to feel understood and respected by them. A friend is one of the few people we should expect to feel seen and valued by when expressing our thoughts; if we only ever feel put down when we attempt to do this, we should take it as a sign that we may not be compatible with our friend.
So, what now?
The ending of a friendship doesn’t need to happen because something dramatic or ugly or heartbreaking occured; sometimes, it’s just the way of life. A friend that’s suitable in a particular season of life might not be well-matched for any other version of ourselves.
What’s most important to consider is if we feel free to be authentic with someone, how they make us feel, and whether or not our vision for life complements theirs. Friendship is a relationship that should be mutually lifegiving and enjoyable for both of us — and finding the right friend for us is worth the wait.