How Reading Jane Austen Saved My Love Life

Photo by Elaine Howlin on Unsplash

Coming of age in the early 2000s and 2010s was, in some ways, very confusing. I was somewhat of a tomboy who loved to do what the boys were doing, and who thrived under the encouragement that girls and women can aim to become whatever boys and men can become. I never played with dolls, I played in rock bands, and I often felt like I got along better with the guys than the girls. In many ways, I thought of myself as the exact same as a boy.

What I didn’t realize at the time was how this mindset, although perhaps rewarding for personal achievement, was playing out negatively in my love life. A strange mixture of false empowerment and naivety laid the groundwork for almost a decade of heartbreak and unhealthy relationships with men. Since I saw myself as the same as my potential partners, I let myself fall into dangerous situations and incredibly destructive dynamics ranging from the honest misunderstanding to the predatory.

It seemed to me that if I wanted to be an artist on equal footing with men, I should be able to conduct myself as they do — staying out over night to work on projects with male collaborators, saying yes to spontaneous adventures in big cities, or inviting male friends to events as friends.

For me these choices felt like making myself known as an equal, while in reality I was sending the message that I was interested in being an “equal” in ways that I was not — either biologically, practically, or emotionally. While I was an equal creatively and intellectually, my intentions, desires, and motives as a woman in these situations were not at all the same as a man’s, and my boldness was often read as a different sort of invitation.

The confusion got to the point where I was literally unable to know what my own wants and needs were in an intimate relationship with a man, let alone communicate them effectively, and my self worth was at an all-time low.

After years of operating in this broken way and finding myself in the deepest rut romantically, there were a few things that changed my entire perspective and helped me slowly pull myself back onto the track of reality, repairing my world view and eventually leading to my marriage to my incredible husband, and then to our amazing son.

One of those things was the work of Jane Austen.

As someone who read whatever classic novels I could get my hands on since I was quite young, it’s a funny thing that in my mid-twenties I hadn’t yet read much Jane Austen. I think this was meant to be, because when I finally did dive into her oeuvre, the timing of the contrast of her stories with my own love life hit me so hard.

Femininity is real & unique.

The first thing that struck me about her books was her opening statement, that each book was written “by a lady.” This sets the stage for the idea that men and women are different, and that something written by a lady will have inherent differences from something written by a man. This might be anything from the syntax to the characters to the focus of the plot — every aspect of her work will have Austen’s femininity woven into it. 

Know yourself in mind, body, & spirit.

Then, as I dove into her books, I met strong-willed, independent young women who knew their own risks, desires, and value as women. Although each protagonist is distinct, they all have a reckoning with true love so unlike the experiences I had had with men, in part because they knew themselves and the weight of their own decisions.

Distance both protects & attracts.

Austen’s heroines know how to keep their distance. So many of my regrets come from allowing myself to be in situations of closeness without realizing how that made only me, and not the man, vulnerable. In Austen’s novels, the male love interests respect this boundary, and seek to prove themselves worthy of intimacy. The distance between them allows both parties to see and discover the details of one another’s value, and this actually deepens their attraction to one another. 

Commitment is the soul of romance.

As this connection and attraction grows, the male love interests desire true intimacy, which can only be found in commitment. These men regard tying themselves permanently to their love as their dearest endeavor. Rather than being an afterthought, commitment is actually what makes the relationship romantic in the first place. If anyone else will do just as well, or they may suit better at some point in the future, then there really is nothing that makes this love special, poetic, or truly beautiful.

In short…

With these things in mind, I began to pick up the pieces of my own reality to see where I had gone wrong. I began to lay boundaries in my own love life for what I would expect and enjoy in a partner. And most importantly, I began to see how I was not the exact same as a man, and that it is actually our differences that make love so all-consuming, fulfilling, and exciting. 

If I could pass along anything to other young women from this awakening, it would be this: nurture your unique femininity — which indeed can be as bold and strong as it is gentle and kind — and guard it for someone who deserves it. You will know him when you meet him.

— By a lady.