What Kind Of Love Do You Accept?
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“We accept the love we think we deserve.”
-The Perks of Being a Wallflower
It was perhaps at a most formative time that I read The Perks of Being a Wallflower. At just fifteen years old, when being misunderstood was both my most cherished quirk and most undesired obstacle, I felt profoundly understood by this book, a story that put a socially awkward kid like me front and center. In a world that more readily accepted those with friendly dispositions, this was a welcome change of pace.
It was also at an innocent time in my life that I read this book — a time when I was still waiting for most life experiences to occur, when I couldn’t relate to everything that Charlie, the main character, was going through. And so, when I read the story’s most famous line, “We accept the love we think we deserve,” I could understand it on a logical level, but emotionally, I wasn’t quite ripe enough to let the quote sink into my mind and affect it as deeply as it should have — the way it does today.
But there’s a reason this quote is the most well-known — it acknowledges our universal, human desire to find love, while also shining a light on the fact that what we’ve called love hasn’t always looked or felt the way it should’ve. The idea that there are different types of love, not just one, resonated deeply with people who’ve regretted some of the choices they’ve made, and felt stung or found themselves broken by something they thought was love.
It turns out that, yes, there are different types of “love,” and the kinds we accept says multitudes about who we are and how we see ourselves. What kind of love do you accept?
The Manipulative Kind. “If you really loved me, you’d…” It’s hard to forget these words once we hear them come out of the mouth of the one we love. Being in love with a manipulative person means constantly being torn between understanding that love takes sacrifice, and wondering if we should feel guilty for desiring to make our own decisions. A manipulator seeks to control their surroundings as a means of feeling secure, safe, and significant to someone — at the expense of their partner.
When we accept manipulative love, we’re allowing bits of our freedom to be stripped away in favor of someone else’s wishes. Maybe we’ve always struggled with people-pleasing, or maybe there’s something about our significant other that reels us in. Either way, being with a manipulative person means we haven’t learnt to value our own vision for life, aspirations, or independence. Enabling someone else’s control over our lives means we might not feel apt to control it ourselves.
The Needy Kind. “I can’t live without you. You complete me.” It can feel satisfying to know we’re someone’s everything, that life with us means so much to them that they feel unable to be without us. When we’re such a crucial person in someone’s life, they rely on us to be okay, to get out of bed in the morning, to find meaning in their life, to exist. They offer us power over them, and we take it.
When we accept needy love, we take on a god-like position in our significant other’s life, and sometimes bask in the glories that come along with it, because we long to be special, have purpose and significance, and feel in control of something. We see our needy love as the ticket to having our own needs met. When we hear someone express a life-or-death reliance upon us, we feel validated, useful, and worthwhile as a human being — feelings we’ve probably been chasing for a long time.
The Fair-weather Kind. “I really like you, but let’s keep it casual.” Few things have such a mixed effect on our hearts than hearing these words. We rejoice at the thought that someone likes us, but feel a prick of pain when we realize something is holding them back from fully committing. Still, we think, they’ll come around. A fair-weather lover enjoys our presence well enough, but won’t give us more than bite-sized rations of affection at a time, leaving us starved and craving more. Maybe they’re afraid of commitment due to trauma, or maybe they revel in the thrill of being chased and chasing.
When we accept fair-weather love, it’s because deep down, we question if we even deserve more — we wonder if we’re worthy of a love that feeds us three times a day, plus elevenses and a late-night snack, whether or not we consciously know it. We welcome the little we can get from our fair-weather love because we can’t imagine someone could want to give us more. We allow someone else to define our worthiness, and find our value in what they give us, instead of believing our value to be intrinsic, unmistakable, and entirely separate from the way someone treats us.
The Abusive Kind. “Look what you’ve made me do.” We’d assume hearing these words would set off a thousand alarms in our mind, but when we’re in love, such obvious red flags can often go unnoticed until we’re too far in. Being told we made the person we love act abusively makes us question what’s so terribly wrong with us that we’ve caused someone to lose their mind, and conclude that we’re to blame.
When we accept abusive love, we most likely never witnessed healthy love, so we have no image to compare our relationship to; coupled with that, we suffer from poor self-image, feel completely unremarkable, and unlovable. Our low self-regard assures us we’re always the problem, and that we’re lucky to have anyone pay attention to us, no matter their treatment of us.
The Real Kind. “You’re my best friend. I choose you.” Ah, the kind of love that makes our heart sing, our face beam, and our confidence soar. Of course, even the real kind of love is never perfect — every relationship, no matter how healthy, is made up of two fallible people. But we can tell we’re experiencing a real love when we feel safe and respected by this person, know they desire the best for us, and feel that they challenge us to grow. This love, more than simply romantic, is a partnership and a friendship.
When we accept real love, and nothing less, we see ourselves as imperfect yet deserving of respect, flawed yet ready to mature, and human yet worthy of love. We understand our shortcomings, and our significant other’s, but we know we’re capable of growing together, loving more deeply, and committing ourselves to a love that encompasses more than we can know. We want to love this person through their lows, and cheer louder than anyone else during their highs. We love who they are, and who they’re becoming, and know we want to stay around for the ride.
In all honesty, it wasn’t until I’d accepted nearly every kind of love on this list that I finally understood the weight and truth of, “We accept the love we think we deserve,” — especially when I stumbled upon my first real kind of love. I think that might be how it goes for most of us — we can’t fully know that the kind of love we’ve been accepting is inferior if we’ve never known more, or know that something feels off if that’s all we’ve ever felt. But still, examining our past and current relationships, their inner workings, and the kind of love they represent offers us invaluable insight into our emotional and mental health, our self-worth, and the ways in which we can mature.
So, I’ll ask again: What kind of love do you accept?