How To Set Boundaries With People You Love
Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash
Relationships – romantic, platonic, or familial – are necessary for our well-being. Our finding and fostering of a community of like-minded individuals does much more than give us something to do on the weekends; it sustains us, feeds us, and inspires us. We need our people to survive.
But even so, people are imperfect – even the ones we love and respect. They can be self-centered, pushy, and inconsiderate; draining, unaware, and needy. We care for these people, but there are moments when our inclination to people-please shouldn’t be listened to – when we need to set a boundary, a limit or barrier that’s placed on a relationship in order to protect our well-being.
“Boundary” is a scary word to some; we think of boundaries as rules and regulations, as an accusation of wrongdoing, or even an indication of our selfishness – all of which seem to be the opposite of what a relationship needs. We crave close, substantial, significant relationships, and imagine that setting a boundary, or saying ‘no’ to something they’ve asked us to do, kills any kind of intimacy, trust, or familiarity we’d fostered in a relationship.
It’s true that setting a boundary, especially with someone we actually desire to be in relationship with, is a difficult task. In the moment it seems simpler to just put up with whatever irritating, immature, or hurtful thing they’re doing, rather than having to figure out how to express our needs or desires, especially if it entails taking a stand.
And yet, learning how to effectively set boundaries in our relationships actually gives them a much better chance of being healthy, despite our discomfort at the thought of confronting someone’s transgression, whether big or small. So how do we set boundaries lovingly and kindly, but effectively?
01 | Consider what you’re in need of.
The very first step in setting a boundary is exploring why we feel the need to set a boundary — what are we not getting enough of in our relationship, and what are we getting too much of? We might feel taken for granted after our friend relies on us one too many times without expressing gratitude, or maybe we feel manipulated when a sibling keeps asking for loans without paying us back, or we feel disrespected when our significant other keeps making jokes at our expense. A boundary is only helpful if it’s serving a deeper need.
02 | Be kind but honest.
Honesty is a wonderful policy, but so is kindness. A boundary, no matter how fair or necessary, won’t be well-received if it’s delivered with hostility or bluntness. The key to being loving while being authentic in our desire lies in expressing that, while it’s necessary we set this boundary, it’s because we value the relationship and wish not only to keep it intact, but make it healthier and save us from bitterness
For example: if we have a friend that’s constantly pressuring us to go out to expensive restaurants for dinner when we’d rather cook at home and desperately need to save money, we might tell them that while we love their company and dinner conversations, we can’t afford to go out so often; then, we could invite them over for dinner in order to create a new dynamic in the relationship.
Or if our significant other consistently makes jokes about us in front of friends, we might tell them that while they just think of their words as humorous, we’re actually embarrassed every time they publicly poke fun at the way we dress, and that we feel humiliated.
Or if a parent is overly critical of our spouse without good reason, resulting in our spouse feeling disrespected, and us feeling caught in the middle, we could make our boundary clear by telling our parent that while we value them, maintaining harmony in our relationship with our spouse is a priority, and their disapproval is hindering that.
03 | Communicate the consequences.
For boundaries to mean anything, there have to be consequences for crossing them – otherwise, we’ll be left telling someone our needs over and over again without requiring any change on their part.
When setting a boundary, we need to clearly set out what will happen if they choose not to respect us; whether that means diminishing time spent together, or limiting what details we share of our personal lives with them, or telling them we can’t productively discuss a particular subject with them, or in more serious cases, taking a break from communication until the issue can be resolved.
04 | Be consistent.
Once the boundary and consequences have been set, we have to set an example by sticking to our own boundary; if we go back on the consequences or continue to not respect our own boundary, we can’t expect anyone else to.
This is arguably the most difficult part of setting a boundary because what happens ultimately isn’t up to us, but the other person. We’re simply here, waiting for their decision to respect the boundary, or not.
While we all deeply hope our boundary will be received and listened to, this isn’t always the case – but that doesn’t mean we need to go back on what we said we needed. If the relationship does have the opportunity of continuing, its best chance comes when we stay consistent in our boundaries, so the other person sees we meant what we said.
In short…
Boundaries are totally necessary in any relationship – we set boundaries with children when we tell them not to touch something; we set boundaries with friends when we say we can’t hang out because we need alone time; we set boundaries with a significant other when we ask to be exclusive.
Relationships thrive off of mutual respect, and boundaries communicate a respect that creates for a more meaningful, long-lasting, close relationship. Setting them, in the beginning, is uncomfortable; but if we hope to have a healthy, worthwhile relationship, they can’t be skipped over.