5 Signs Your Friends Are Unhealthy For You
Photo by Guillaume Bolduc on Unsplash
“Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.”
Lewis is right — while friendship isn’t a necessity in order to survive, it is one of the most beautiful, significant relationships we can cultivate. To have a friend, a kindred spirit, who walks alongside us, encourages us, challenges us, loves us, and is loyal to us, is a profound gift that we each long for.
It’s also a relationship that deeply influences us — if we have a good, true friend, who themselves are healthy, we will find ourselves better off; if we aren’t surrounded by good, healthy friends, but instead, toxic, unhealthy friends, we will feel the effects. This is what makes having the right kind of friends — not just any friends — incredibly important.
So how do we know if we don’t have the “right” friends for us? What are the signs that the company we’re keeping is unhealthy? How can we tell if our friends aren’t good for us?
01 | They encourage unhealthy patterns & behavior.
One of the simplest ways to know if we’ve got a healthy friendship, or an unhealthy friendship? Whether or not they encourage us to be our best selves, or if they enable harmful patterns and unhealthy behavior.
Maybe we feel like we always end up gossiping when we’re with them, or we find ourselves spending more money than we wanted to whenever we’re out with them, or they pressure us to drink whenever we’re with them.
If we consistently find that we don’t like who we are when we’re around our friends, this is a sign that they influence and enable unhealth.
02 | They’re uncomfortable with your success or betterment.
Our friends should want our best — they should be excited to cheer on any success, and even be challenging and inspiring us to become more excellent, thoughtful, and mature.
If we’ve noticed that our friends seem uncomfortable with, and even discourage, our choice to better ourselves, live by certain ideals, or set out to accomplish something, this is a red flag that we should pay attention to.
03 | They demand too much of your time.
Cultivating and maintaining a friendship takes time, energy, and effort. A relationship can’t become meaningful and lifegiving without intentionality and commitment.
However, a healthy friendship won’t expect constant interaction, or even need it. If our friend demands immediate attention the moment they ask for it, hours of uninterrupted interaction, and so much contact that we neglect our responsibilities and other relationships, this is a sure sign that the friendship isn’t healthy for us.
04 | You have to hide yourself around them.
We aren’t always free to be our complete selves with just anyone — it’s normal to censor some parts of ourselves, or even simply present only a part of ourselves, until we feel safe opening up to someone.
But we shouldn’t feel this way with someone we consider a friend. Feeling the need to hide parts of ourselves in order to stay friends with someone is certainly one of the clearest indication that the friendship isn’t prudent to invest in.
05 | They don’t show respect for you.
There are many ingredients needed for a lifegiving friendship. Common interests, aligned values, and a mutual appreciation are all needed — but perhaps most important of all is respect for one another.
This looks like valuing one another’s points of view, taking advice from the other seriously, and being willing to listen to constructive criticism. If our friend doesn’t respect us, talks down to us, refuses our loving advice or even insults our intelligence, they aren’t offering us the respect a friend worth having would.