The Second Decade Of Motherhood Comes Sooner Than You Think

Photo by Vadim Butenkov on Unsplash

Recently, my husband Chris and I celebrated our twelfth wedding anniversary.  We have been spouses and parents for more than a decade now. In the words of the inimitable Leila Lawler, in the first decade of marriage and parenting, you are “building something.” But what about in the second?  

In the second decade, you’re no longer bouncing your single fussy baby while dreaming of what it would be like to have a full, boisterous, wide family life. You’re no longer staring at the empty places at the dinner table, wondering who will fill them.  

Instead, there you are, sitting in the middle of that once-imagined reality, realizing all of a sudden that babies won’t keep coming forever and also that you haven’t really slept since 2010. And that maybe you’ve let yourself become a bit bedraggled, really. Or maybe that’s just me. 

I once heard a story about an older woman who regretted having given her children 100% of her energy; “80% probably would have been enough,” she said. As a person who never does anything at less than 100%, I found this both disorienting and intriguing. A part-time history professor and full-time homeschooling mother and homemaker, I am constantly turning my overactive sense of self-discipline toward being a better wife, mom, and community member.  

Now, in the second decade of this adventure, I acknowledge that I will always be a person who applies all her intellectual vigor and creativity to the challenges of family life. That is my gift to give. But I also know that most of the foundations of my family have now been laid. So while I still have building to do, the time seems right to ask myself: Who am I now really meant to be, in these changing years? 

It turns out that the question of who we are and who we want to be has an answer that is constantly changing, and sometimes this can be a good thing. For years and years I struggled to reduce my unhealthy weight, for example; now, all of a sudden, my body is willing. I have long faced chronic insomnia mixed with anxiety and depression; now, suddenly, I am sleeping well and laughing much more. And ever since receiving my Ph.D. in 2015, I’ve simmered with dissatisfaction over a curtailed professional life. But somehow, this year, I have stopped simmering, and have found greater satisfaction in a full-time job I actually really want: running a joyful and creative home school for my own kids. 

This year, I finally see that many of my first-decade expectations of myself were neither from God nor from my true heart. I’m starting to learn to relax. 

I loved the first decade. I love babies, especially my babies, and I am so grateful to have spent so many years building a good foundation for myself and my family. It was an incredible gift. But let’s not pretend it wasn’t tremendously hard. 

And now, twelve years in, my growing children are vibrant lights in my life: exuberant, complex, and overflowing. My husband and I are deepening our connection with each other. And I finally have time to invest more deeply in prayer, more than just sending up the occasional, desperate, “Jesus, remember me!”  

Don’t get me wrong: there are plenty of challenges in my present life and ahead in the years to come. But sisters, the sun rises and sets. If you are in a difficult season right now, whichever decade you are in, don’t give up. ​Your own “second decade” will come sooner than you think.