“Mom Guilt” Isn’t Something To Ignore; It’s Something To Consider

Photo by Helena Lopes

One of the most common phrases on social media as it relates to motherhood is “mom guilt.” Women lament about it, and content creators tell women — in all kinds of ways — to ignore it. A few iterations I’ve seen recently are “mom guilt is a scam” and “unsubscribe to mom guilt.” The basic message is: you shouldn’t be feeling this way. This feeling of guilt is to be ignored, disregarded, shoved down.

To be clear, I get where this type of talk is coming from. Modern mothers do carry a lot of unnecessary burdens in our individualist, family-unfriendly, consumer culture. So I think a lot of the encouragement to “let go of mom guilt” comes from a place of trying to be supportive of mothers. I love that. I, too, care deeply about supporting mothers. 

However, trying to be supportive and actually being supportive can be two different things. The truth is that feelings exist for a reason, and it doesn’t serve us to shove them away. I read several years ago that excessive feelings of guilt in motherhood mean one of two things, and this understanding has really served me as I’ve navigated the early years of motherhood. 

The first thing feelings of guilt can signal is that something is out of alignment with our values. Something we’re choosing to do, or even something we’re not choosing, is not feeling good or right, deep down. If this is the case, acknowledging feelings of guilt is the first step toward a life that’s more in line with what you want. Telling mothers to ignore their guilty feelings in this circumstance is actually preventing them from having a better life, or, if a situation can’t be changed, from feeling the grief that we need to feel when something is difficult or disappointing.

An example of this I’ve experienced over and over is feeling guilty about the amount of time I spend on my phone. I could try to justify it (and I have) by saying that I’m alone all day with kids, and I need it for social interaction. But the deeper truth every time was that I’m doing it because it’s easy, and it’s stealing time and presence from my life to an extent that I did not like. Being honest about my feelings of guilt always led me to go on an Instagram break, which I continue to do multiple times a year. 

The second thing feelings of guilt can signal is an issue with anxiety. Modern mothers are riddled with anxiety, and it’s no wonder. They’re bombarded with advice and information about how to mother (much of it conflicting). They’re often mistreated during pregnancy and birth, and then largely left to their own devices during a time where they should be intensely held and supported. Many are divorced from intuition around how to care for their babies and are targeted by increasing numbers of companies who see a profit opportunity in the vulnerability of new parents. Again, acknowledging excessive feelings of guilt is important here, a sign that one is dealing with this common mental health issue that may require professional support (it may not, but awareness is still the first step). If guilt is ignored, mothers may persist in anxiety and never take the steps they need to take to be in a healthy state of mind, which both they and their children deserve.

I used to experience guilt about leaving my kids with a babysitter. I’d feel instantly guilty when I got into the car and we began driving away for date night. When I read that guilt can be anxiety, that clicked for me. I absolutely need time with my husband alone, so it’s not that the action isn’t aligned; it’s that I am anxious about their care. This isn’t something I had to seek help over; I simply had to remind myself that I do a good job passing my kids off to another caretaker and that I can’t control everything in life. Something could happen to them under my care, too. 

While this rampant online story about “mom guilt” claims to be supporting mothers, it really does the opposite. Instead of trying to dismiss feelings of guilt, mothers need to sit with them. The inner work of letting ourselves feel our feelings is difficult to do, and it’s made more difficult when we’re bombarded with messaging that encourages us not to. So here’s my countercultural message for mothers: don’t let go of the mom guilt. Feel it, and see what’s there for you. 

Your feelings give insight into what’s going on in your soul. A better way is possible. Let them guide you to it.