Crushed On Valentine’s Day: Helping A Broken Friend

Photo by Briana Tozour on Unsplash

One sunny Valentine’s Day, panic twisted inside me as I thought of my closest friend, who was grappling with the death of her husband. The loss was fresh, everyone’s hearts were broken. Valentine’s Day seemed a cruel insult of a holiday, existing only to remind us of a life taken too soon.

A number of years before, I’d experienced this same Valentine’s Panic. A good friend’s marriage had collapsed, and few people knew. She kept a brave face, but invited me close enough to see her devastation. Guilt surfaced within me as comparison set in. I had my happy, intact little family, while hers had been gutted.

When people we love walk through painful seasons, a trivial holiday like Valentine’s Day is a paper cut across an open wound. Cupid announces grief and loss in a fresh way for the person whose spirit is crushed and soul is aching.

Fortunately, Valentine’s Day also presents an opportunity to bring healing where there is hurt.

From these painful experiences, I’ve learned a handful of ways to intentionally and gently love a friend who’s crushed on Valentine’s Day.

01 Become excellent at observation.

Helping a broken friend requires an effort on your part to become a careful observer. Observe how she processes her pain and where she is in her grief cycle. As a general guideline, if she feels like talking, it’s essential to be there to listen. If she doesn’t want to talk about it, just let it be.

Knowing what to say in times of grief can be incredibly awkward and delicate, but from my own experience, I suggest tackling the discomfort head-on with a few gentle words, such as:

“If you want to talk about it, I’m here. Otherwise, I won’t bring it up.”

During a devastating season of my own life, a close friend eased my anxiety with an invitation to her home and the following phrase that I’ll never forget:

“You don’t have to say a single word about it if you don’t want to.”

Her promise not to press gave me the courage to leave my house for a visit, and when I arrived, she stayed true to her word. I left feeling encouraged after an evening of talking about everything except The Thing, which was precisely what my hurting heart needed.

Our capacity to love well grows as we focus more on others and less on ourselves. Loving well stems from observing well, which helps identify how to best serve and care for others in their brokenness.

02 Say something kind.

When February 14th arrives, acknowledge your friend’s hurt with a simple text or call. It’s been 15 years since my friend’s husband passed, but I still make an effort to acknowledge meaningful dates with her, year after year. She appreciates that I remember; our eyes still well with healing tears at the reminder of the loss.

In my experience, going out of our way to say something kind, thoughtful, and sympathetic is better than remaining silent. We fret and worry about upsetting our friend by bringing up their pain, so we keep quiet. But chances are, your friend is already thinking about the hurt anyway – especially when the loss is fresh or life-changing.

Our silence reinforces the fear that we are forgotten or dismissed. Send the text.

03 Do something simple.

Quietly leave a simple Valentine’s gift at the door – perhaps a jar of freshly cut flowers with a note, or her favorite drink with a card. Timely, tangible efforts to communicate love can go a long way in bringing hope to your friend that someone sees, knows, and cares.

One year, a good friend left me a crocheted taco at my door. It was a perfect gift – handmade, humorous, and filled with the reassurance I had a friend who loved me.

In helping a hurting friend, it’s crucial to remember that confidentiality is key. Resist the urge to post about your good deeds online and go for the greater reward: sweet, close-knit confidentiality between you and your friend.

And the motivation for loving your friend in a practical way should be selfless, expecting nothing in return. Let your friend be the one to tell others, if she chooses.

In short…

Valentine’s Day holds a unique power – it brings a spectrum of emotions to each of us, ranging from the holiday barely being on the radar to a giddy anticipation of spending a romantic day with someone we deeply love.

Even if Valentine’s Day isn’t particularly important to you, consider those around you who may need an extra bit of encouragement, love, or consideration to get through the day.

One of my favorite Bible scriptures about relationships comes from Proverbs 15:30, which reads, “The light of the eyes rejoices the heart, and good news refreshes the bones.” 

This Valentine’s Day, be the friend who brings joy, refreshment, and encouragement to those around you with your speech and actions. Use this holiday as an opportunity to love your broken, hurting, lost friends. Chances are, it’ll bring the two of you closer together, and deliver a bit of healing and hope to their hurting heart.