10 Things I Wish I Could Tell Every New Mother
Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash
Entering motherhood is, well, a lot. After months, sometimes years, of anticipation, and forty weeks of prep work, it somehow still feels sudden and surprising. When I look back on my own first days of being a mother, there are certainly clear memories of tiny baby snuggles, midnight feedings and countless hours spent in the new glider tucked away in the coziest corner of our nursery.
But that season is mostly just a blurry, distant collection of sights and sounds and feelings. It was joyful and uncertain; life-giving and exhausting. All the things, all the time.
I was made a mother by two blond-headed boys, the oldest of whom recently celebrated his fourth birthday. And while four years of motherhood does not an expert make, there are some things I wish I’d known before I entered that season — things I now wish I could tell every new mother.
01 | It’s okay to lose yourself. You’ll come back.
In our culture of self-care and self-love, new mothers are often inundated with warnings like, don’t forget to make time for yourself, or you’ll lose who you are. But becoming a mother is just that – a becoming. You are, quite literally, turning into something you’ve never been before.
It’s natural and expected to not know or understand what that looks like, and to lose sight of yourself for a while. It’s okay to get lost in the blur of newborn days; you will find yourself again. And when you do, you’ll be someone different; stronger and more resilient, softer and more loving. Trust the process, even when you don’t exactly feel like you.
02 | Tiny humans can’t be hacked.
We millennials love a good ‘hack’ for just about anything. But newborns can’t be simplified or distilled down to something predictable; they can’t be hacked.
There are no shortcuts or secrets to make them cry less, or be less of a mystery.
Take a deep breath, put away the Instagram reels, and learn your baby. He or she is different from any other baby on the planet, which means your attention is the only thing that’s needed.
03 | You don’t need all the advice. Just a little that you can trust.
If you go looking, you’ll find hundreds of answers for any one baby-related question or concern. And most of them very passionately contradict the others; this will leave your head spinning and you feeling guilty for reasons you can’t quite explain (sounds fun, right?).
Instead of trying to weigh all the opinions, just rely on the advice of a very select few. Choose whom you trust, and stick with them; listen to their experiences and use it to chart your own course.
04 | Baby socks are pointless.
They fall off… they get mysteriously lost in the wash or diaper bag… they’re difficult to keep in pairs. And if they do happen to stick around long enough, they just become chew toys. Snap-on velcro booties are your friend. And if it’s summertime, let those little piggies go free.
This point is bigger than socks, though; it’s really about eliminating those things you don’t actually need (even if everyone else says you do). A cluttered space really does lead to a cluttered mind, and tiny baby things bring on a whole new level of clutter. If it isn’t useful to you, don’t feel obligated to keep it.
05 | When everything is sideways, just add water.
I read this a long time ago, and it truly applies to everyone — you, babies, and older kids. When you just can’t seem to find your groove, or when everyone is grumpy and the day is a struggle, add water.
A cold drink, a hot shower, a midday bubble bath in the sink, or playtime in the sprinkler. There’s something about water that refreshes, resets, and gives everyone the chance to take a breath. And sometimes, that’s all it takes to turn a day around.
06 | The amount your baby sleeps is not a metric for your success as a mother.
When a new mother enters a conversation, she’ll almost certainly be asked about her baby’s sleep within the first few minutes: “How are they sleeping?” “Are they sleeping through the night yet?”
If your baby is like most others on the planet, sleep will — at one point or another — be a struggle. And those questions, while typically well-meaning, can make your exhausted self feel like you just aren’t cutting it.
But hours slept (or not) is in no way reflective of your ability to mother. We so often attach a strange, unnecessary pressure to our babys' nighttime habits, and it's time we let ourselves (and our tiny humans) off the hook. At the end of the day, organized, consistent sleep is a brand new concept for newborns, so let's give them space to learn and stop grading ourselves on their progress.
07 | The good, the bad, the ugly: it’s all a phase that has an end, usually without you even realizing it.
That thing your baby is (or isn’t) doing that has you lying awake at night, googling all the questions? Someday soon you’ll likely just be going about your business, and it’ll dawn on you that you haven’t thought about that thing in several days. When was the last time he did that?, you’ll wonder.
Much of what we worry about — those things we think will never end — so often just go away quietly and without warning. With newborns especially, phases and seasons come and go at the drop of a hat.
There’s encouragement to be found in that if your current phase is difficult; it’s the whole this too shall pass idea. But there’s also a reminder in it to find the beauty, because along with the messy and the hard, the sweet and the tender moments pass, too – faster than you think.
08 | Say what you need.
New mothers are notoriously terrible at asking for help. I remember being in the throes of newborn life, feeling as though I should be able to do it all, and then growing frustrated with myself for falling short and with others for not being able to read my mind and magically know what I needed. The one thing that would have solved all of this? Giving voice to my needs.
Motherhood was never meant to be a solo mission. Chances are, you have family and friends who are longing to help. So tell them what you need, and be specific. Ask for someone to come and hold the baby so you can shower; request groceries or assistance with laundry or an emptied dishwasher. When someone asks, “How can I help?” assume they’re sincere and tell them.
09 | Enjoying every moment isn’t possible or necessary.
There are countless incredible, once-in-a-lifetime moments that come with entering motherhood: your baby’s tiny hand wrapped around your finger; her first bath; the first time he smiles or coos or laughs. But going into this new season with the assumption that you should ‘enjoy every moment’ puts a lot of pressure on new mothers.
Anyone who’s ever had to calm a fussy baby or change a leaky diaper in a public restroom or recover a lost pacifier in a dark room at midnight can tell you: some moments just aren’t enjoyable, and that’s okay. By not trying to make the hard, unpleasant things into something they’re not, we can better give our energy to dwelling on the parts of motherhood that really do give us life and fill our hearts, and in finding true beauty in the mundane of the day to day.
10 | Your baby has exactly as much experience being a baby as you have being a mother.
You’re both brand new. And that means neither of you really know what you’re doing. Take heart; your baby isn’t silently judging you when you accidentally put her diaper on backwards or have to redo the swaddler for what seems like the hundredth time.
There’s grace in understanding that, just as you are clueless when it comes to being a new mother, your baby is clueless when it comes to being a baby. Embracing the newness will make it easier to see you and your baby as a team, figuring out day by day how to live your new roles, together.
In short…
You can do this — new motherhood will stretch you and challenge you in ways you didn’t know were possible, but you are far more capable than you think. Know that those of us who’ve walked this season before you are cheering you on. Take a deep breath, say no to the pressure of perfection (which doesn’t exist), and embrace the truth that there are new mercies every morning, even if you didn’t sleep through the night.
