How To Be A Better Gift Giver & Receiver
Photo by freestocks on Unsplash
I hope that at least once in your life, you’ve opened a gift so delightful you couldn’t help but squeal, drop your jaw, or at least beam, for the less demonstrative of us. I’ll always remember opening a deluxe Polly Pocket set, containing not only the tiny little dolls but also hidden stamps and an ink pad beneath the little fixtures (my ecstasy was such that my mother would say “Polly Pocket!” to elicit a huge smile for photos for years afterward).
Or, I hope at least once, you’ve given a gift that was such an obvious and instant hit for the recipient. Those moments are glorious, but not every gifting experience is going to be a home run.
For the times we find ourselves at a complete loss for what to give to someone else, or when we find ourselves face to face with a flawed or undesirable gift, let’s train ourselves to allow giving and receiving gifts to focus on the other person in the equation, and on the connection.
Giving thoughtfully.
Often, I’ve fallen into a pattern many of us follow: gifting something we would enjoy receiving. This approach can work if the recipient shares my love of classic hardbound literature or pampering, but what about the people on my list who have entirely different interests?
To give a truly thoughtful gift, I want to ponder: how does he spend his time? What kinds of objects or activities does she enjoy? Perhaps even, what inevitable aspect of life does he dislike, and what could ease it? To thoughtfully gift an item of clothing or an object for the home, I want to consider what colors and patterns my sister-in-law likes, not the fact that I think neutrals are boring but green is gorgeous. Some people are content with a home or wardrobe that might seem spartan to my tastes but enjoy experiences in cities or in nature.
If the state of owning too many books exists, my dad has been a resident for years. He loves spending time reading and studying books, probably better than any other hobby, activity, or types of objects. So, despite my mom’s qualms, I often give him books anyway, because I want it to be about him.
The better we get to know a friend or a new family member, and study him or her, or in the case of someone we rarely see, ask someone who does know better, the more thoughtfully we can give a gift. I also try to keep in mind that not every gift I give is going to be a home run, and that’s okay! I made a bid for connection, and hopefully the gift was graciously received.
Receiving graciously.
“There can hardly be a more unpleasant sensation than the having any thing returned on our hands, which we have given with a reasonable hope of its contributing to the comfort of a friend.” -Jane Austen, Mansfield Park
Let’s return to those situations we’ve all experienced: opening a gift partially or completely unsuited to our tastes, purchased from a store or company we avoid or boycott, or delivered belatedly—negligently belated. Perhaps an offer of candy or cookies when we’re trying to avoid sugar.
When offered a gift, lovely or less than lovely, I want to try to think less of the five hundred calories, the color I wouldn’t have chosen, or the perplexing possible purpose of the item, and instead, I want to consider the bid for connection the giver is making.
I have no acclaim for closeting my emotions, but I am working towards accepting graciously by smiling, saying “thank you”, and turning the focus on the giver: “You are so kind to think of me.” “You are such a wonderful baker; those look delicious.” “What a thoughtful friend you are.” We may choose to discreetly sweep the sweets into the trash or return or donate an item we neither love nor need.
I like the way Marie Kondo explains in her book, The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: “The true purpose of a present is to be received. Presents are not ‘things’ but a means for conveying someone’s feelings…of course it would be ideal if you could use it with joy. But surely the person who gave it to you doesn’t want you to use it out of a sense of obligation, or to put it away without using it, only to feel guilty every time you see it.”
Wrapping up.
Giving or receiving a “home run” gift is wonderful, but when we are blessed with many people in our lives with whom we exchange gifts, these may be the exception, not the rule. May we focus on giving and receiving gifts to forge and strengthen connections, and allow the rest to serve as a backdrop, or fade away.
