5 Reasons You’re Struggling To Make A Friend

Photo by Eugene Lisyuk

Long gone are the days when making a friend was as easy as sharing your crayons with them, or offering them half of your peanut butter and jelly sandwich, or sitting next to them week after week in your English class.

Making friends as a kid in school came easily enough, but now that you’re an adult and out of school, finding a friend has felt next to impossible—but not due to a lack of effort on your part.

You’ve tried joining community groups, taking classes, or signing up for Bumble BFF. But alas, you’ve yet to cast the role of “friend” in your life. And you’re wondering why you’ve been struggling to do something that years ago, came so easily to you.

Here are 5 reasons you’re having a hard time making a friend.

01 | You’ve been waiting for her to find you.

We’re all guilty of this—wishing for a friend but not actively doing anything to make this dream into a reality. Whether you’ve always been a go-getter, or you typically tend to shy away from initiating, the truth is that when it comes to finding a kindred spirit, most of us are waiting for her to find us.

Try to take a more active role in your search for a friend, even if it gets tiring now and then. Be willing to search for and try a new group that pops up. Go to gatherings you’re invited to. If you come across a girl you have a good feeling about, don’t wait for her to approach you—be the one to reach out first.

02 | You haven’t followed up.

Maybe you already did meet a girl you got along with. Maybe you met her at a church group and you both instantly felt that friend connection, and you both followed each other on Instagram or exchanged numbers… and then, nothing.

You’ve been telling yourself that if she’d really wanted to get coffee with you, she would’ve reached out. But what if she’s telling herself the same?

Be the one to follow up, even if it’s not your natural inclination to do so. Reach out to get a coffee date lined up—she’ll likely really appreciate that you took it upon yourself to initiate.

03 | You’ve been stuck in your head.

For those of us who’ve always been on the introverted side, it’s not uncommon to struggle with some anxiety in the form of thoughts like, “Am I being boring? What should I ask her next? Oh no, this silence is going on too long… maybe I should take a sip of water to buy myself some time?”

These anxious thoughts are trying to protect us from what we assume will be utter embarrassment, but they’re actually holding us back and making it impossible to be present.

It’s much easier said than done, but choosing not to feed these thoughts will increase the likelihood that you won’t behave awkwardly. Allow the conversation to flow where it may without letting anxiety take hold of it. If there’s a silence, then there’s a silence—what’s the worst that could happen?

04 | You’ve judged a book by its cover.

In the interest of honesty, we all have a preconceived notion of what our kindred spirit ought to look like—how old she’d be, how she’d dress, what she’d do for a living… the list goes on and on.

And while it’s normal to have an idea of what your future friend might be like, getting caught up with finding a girl who checks every single box will leave you feeling perpetually unsatisfied.

Maybe your kindred spirit will be a little bit different than you imagined. Maybe she’ll be a little bit nerdy, or she’ll like reality TV shows, or she’ll be a bit older than you. Be open to a friendship you didn’t expect.

05 | You haven’t been consistent.

If there’s one thing a friendship is build on, it’s consistency. You can have everything in common in the world with someone, but if you hardly ever see one another or initiate any kind of connection, a deep, meaningful, lifegiving friendship can’t grow.

Whether this means continuing to show up to a church group, going back to a class, or reaching out to a girl you got coffee with a couple of months back, do what is within your power to be consistent with the relationships you already have. We can’t plant seeds and expect them to grow without care, attention, and intention.